I cannot understand any of this. At one minute I'm laughing, and crying in the next. At one point I'm filled with motivation to move forward and terrified as hell in the next. I know it's still a fresh wound, and I'm trying to find my feet. But it's taking a lot. And it is taking long.
What if I still don't make it? What if this would be another year in vain? What would happen then?
These questions keep creeping up. I'm trying to figure out my future whilst making my own path, but.. I don't know. I really have no idea about anything these days.
I'm tired of crying. I just want to forget and start making progress. I want to be happy.. But apparently it's going to take longer.
Maybe this year would be the year.
I truly don't know what I would do if it doesn't happen this year. I've been working so hard for this and have been waiting since I was just a little kid.. I want to make my dream come true.. But I'm terrified that I won't make it again.
Fear is what gets in the way. In my case it's a mixture of fear, shame, hatred, guilt, anger, disappointment, distress... And so many more.. And what all those make is fear in general.
How do I even do this?
What's the next step forward?
I need a sign.. Something..
Humpf... I'll have to work harder..
Sera.
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