2nd Day

I woke up this morning feeling more terrified than ever. I thought that I could just eat as if nothing ever happened.
The reality is, that I can't...
I woke up this morning convinced that I have put 7kg on, since last night - which is impossible as I haven't even managed to finish one meal.
I'm constantly in a battle within myself - between the control and having to eat...
The nurses, staff and people here are all so helpful, and they are all so kind. They don't push us too much, but they do want us to keep going.
In my case, at certain points I have to stop half way or even sometimes less. The bad stomach pains and cramps that I do get are pretty unbearable to say the least.

We have assigned places at meal times, and also, depending on our state, we could leave the centre for the weekend. Currently another girl and I are here as all the other girls have gone away.
It's a little quiet for a Saturday night, but it's giving us a little time to relax and talk.

My parents have also visited, however not both are on board with me being here.
In reality, if it wasn't for my doctor and for his pushing, I wouldn't be here... It was him that talked to my parents and it was him that admitted me asap.

There are set meal times - Breakfast, lunch and dinner - with 2 snacks included in between.
There are three types of meal plans. The other girl and I are on the most basic due to having starved ourselves for so long.

Estimation, I think we're having around 700-850 cals. Which although it does set our mind at rest that we're still eating below a normal calorific intake, it still gives us anxiety on how much we're actually eating. Especially as we're both used to eating further less than that or nothing at all (at our worst)...

Not having finished one meal is playing against me. I know that when my doc is going to see me, he is going to want to find out the why and the yada yada yada...
Only I won't be able to give him a clear answer, as I don't even know why myself.

Exercising is another issue.
I want and need to exercise, but we're not allowed. Not even walks.. and that is frustrating... Some of us do secretively exercise which isn't necessarily helping our cause... but at times we can't help it.

The nurses come to check on us every 30 mins or so, and during meal times rooms and bathrooms are locked. Once meal time finishes, we are all to rest in the living room and aren't allowed in bathrooms or rooms till an hour later (as they would still be locked).

I've found it very strange to realise that many of us have the same thoughts and feelings - almost directly and clearly set by a machine... which does help us to relate to each other...

I was wondering, have you guys ever been in recovery? Do you have any idea what to expect more?
Also, how did you deal with meal times?

If you'd like to talk or want me to write about a particular topic, please don't hesitate to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time - keep well

Sera xxxx

Coffee - A luxury or a need?

The fresh coffee beans brewing early in the morning. That sharp bitter taste of espresso. That rush you get when caffeine hits your system, and that little smile that curls up your lips when you get your much needed fix. 

It is estimated that 50% of the population, equivalent to 150 million Americans, drink espresso, cappuccino, latte, or iced/cold coffees.

Reference - http://www.e-importz.com/coffee-statistics.php

In Malta, it’s nothing less. Café stores are filled with customers from around 6am, and during office break times, customers double or even triple, but do we truly need the caffeine fix or is it because of habit?

I for one, am a coffee lover. You’d find me reaching for my caffeine fix even when I don’t need it. It’s more of a love, or habit that I think makes me reach for that constant cup daily. For instance, today it has been my 6^th cup of Nescafe Espresso Rich and Short, and 5^th cup of Green Tea. I’m stuck at home sick for quite some time, and I guess the only thing that kept me going is fixing my blog, and reaching for that cup.

Looking at the picture of my cup makes me want to get another one (which I did). Caffeine is a drug and it doesn’t come without any side-effects. I tend to abuse it on a daily basis, especially during school days, when days seem short and material to work on and study seems too much. Some of the negative side effects include –

• Insomnia and/or sleeplessness
• Anxiety symptoms
• Depleted calcium and iron levels in women 
• High Blood Pressure and Indigestion
• Restlessness
• Irritability
• Heartburn
• Headaches (sometimes severe)
• Rapid heartbeat
• Nausea

But besides these, caffeine does come with advantages as well. Such as –

• Increased muscle strength.
• Increased metabolism by breaking down fat, freeing fatty acids and forcing them to be burned. (Caffeine is the most active ingredient in many diet pills.)
• Increased pain relief medication effects.
• Increased mental faculty.
• Reduction in asthma symptoms.

Of course, despite knowing all it’s disadvantages, nothing stops me from still consuming that daily fix. It’s summer over here, meaning that as I mentioned in my previous blog entry, exams are over and it’s holiday time, where I can afford to lay of it, but caffeine withdrawal symptoms aren’t amusing.  According to http://www.disabled-world.com/artman/publish/caffeine.shtml symptoms can begin as soon as 12 hours after your last cup, depending on the amount of caffeine your body is used to.

In my case, I have experienced these symptoms under the 7^th hour. Some of the symptoms associated with withdrawal include

• Restlessness
• Irritability
• Anxiety
• Headaches (even migraines)
• Muscle stiffness
• Chills and/or hot spells.

Unfortunately, I’ve experienced all of these, which is what keeps me from stopping caffeine. I’ve been working on cutting down, or trying decaf, but why take coffee if it’s decaf? In my perspective, I do not see any reason why I should take decaf coffee. I find it a waste of taste and use of coffee.

Some, like me, may also abuse caffeine due its primary affect as an appetite suppressant,

which aids in weight loss. I will further open on this in my next blog entry, but it made  me think, how an over the .. I was going to say "counter", but that usually applies for pharmacies.. coffee is available into every store, mall or supermarket, even in cafes and restaurant. I myself order coffee before going out to eat or anything. I believe that it keeps in check with what I order. I sometimes replace meals with coffee, which I know is wrong, but I still do it anyway… and this does make me think, because I’ve known this since I was about 9 years old, and children today are more advance. 

Hence, my question, what is the reason you guys use coffee for, and do you think that kids today are more self-conscious about how they look ?

And this does bring me back to the question. Is coffee a luxury or a need?

E-mail me on – seramartina@hotmail.com , for discussions on this topic and any ideas you’d like me to write about.

Also, comment and voice your thoughts. I’d like to hear all of you.

Till next entry – Keep well :)

Sera :)