Something I lost...

As a child, I was always so keen on keeping track of everything and anything I was doing. That meant that I even had to keep track of everything I did, experience or even owned, hence material things were always placed and easily found. It was one thing that my parents always loved about me. They used to come to me when they were to search their own things. I made it a must to have this perfectionistic way of living, but this still made me lose a very important thing.

Due to circumstances, I had to grow up fast and care for my younger sister from a very early age of 6. I always tried to be a grown up, and it worked. At that age, I wanted to be taken seriously, especially as I had to be the responsible one, but today, looking back, I realise that I did lose something very important. I lost my childhood. It slipped right through my fingers and I don't know where the time went.

My loss was to various other things besides having to take care of my younger sister. Primarily school. In my previous blog entry I wrote about how I always felt lonely and the only thing that helped were books. It is true, because that made me escape, and block many things, but today, I wish I had those moments where I could actually be a kid, where I could mess up a little and be okay with it.

When I was younger, I used to await my birthdays dearly, until I was around 11/12 years old. There is where I started dreading them. Although I was already responsible and able to take my own decisions, growing older made it seem more real. It made me feel that I had to always be more and more responsible in whatever I do, and the more birthdays that come, the more scared I get, because it means that I do have to settle someday. Career wise I've already set my mind to what I want to achieve, but in other aspects of my life, things seem to be very hazy.

I would like a break or a pause of this fast on going life. I would love to go back to that child like state, and stay there. I would love to go back to the time where family was more bonded together than today.

It's another thing that I hated when I grew up. My family grew further apart when 4 people of the family died. It took a toll on all of us, and I don't like it how things presently are, but I guess that's the flow of things.

My younger sister and I already made a pact to try our best in not growing apart. We're trying to prepare ourselves the best way we could in accepting that in reality we are growing up and we can do nothing to stop this process.

Kids today are living in a lifestyle that is constantly on going. In my country especially, due to the large competition in entering the only single university we own, kids are put under extreme pressure to get the highest marks. Since 3 years of age, we start kindergarten. In my time, we used to learn how to write, maths, sentence formation, ect... and had exams since that time.  Today things have changed a little and it's more of a playschool. But once kids reach grade 3, they have to undergo a large transition to adapt to the vast 6 syllabi of 6 different subjects in primary school whilst in secondary school we have to take 11/12 subjects in total.

Exams here are tougher due to this competition to divide students into those who are A from B or Pass from Fail. These labels are assigned with few mark differences, which is not fair, because it's making school tougher than it actually is and some kids are even giving up and putting themselves down before even getting to secondary school. Others on the other hand, just like me, may set up high standards for themselves, and won't get a minute rest unless they achieve their goals. Both approaches aren't the best, but the medial is even tougher to achieve.

Childhood is the best part of life that I would like to get back, but to my disappointment, I will never have it back.

In conclusion to this blog, what is the most precious and important thing that you have lost in your life? I would love to hear your views and thoughts about this topic.

Please comment and e-mail me with your suggestions and anything that you would like to tell me or want me to write about on

seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time – Keep Well :)

Sera :)

Loneliness - Reality or just a feeling?

We may log on facebook, instagram, or any social network that are filled with virtual friends. Some may be real friends, whilst others may just be present for number. I can relate to that. I do have very few friends that don't require both hands to count that I talk online almost on a daily basis, and that are real. Due to our busy lives, we find it hard to manage to find a suitable time to meet, so social networks, chats and even text messaging proved to be very helpful in keeping contact.

Although this does take off some of the toll, the experience of face to face communication is constantly being missed. Some messages could be even taken in a double meaning whilst chatting, proving that we may have taken a step backwards rather than forwards.

But in reality, despite chatting and everything, many still feel lonely. I am one of these people. I do feel left out in many aspects which resulted in me not having the best coping mechanisms, and just like me, there are other people with the same experience. 

Feelings of loneliness may also be accompanied by feelings of emptiness, dullness and even sadness. Speaking from primary experience, I can totally say that these feelings combined together may leave you defeated to the point where you keep withdrawing back and asking yourself whether you do actually matter - to anyone really - family, friends ect...

I wanted to numb all these feelings; hence I took more work than I could actually do. This meant extra lessons, extra tuition, extra subjects. It left me with no energy, but at least I could escape into my world of books, as they require no communication skills. Right?

Books have been my escape – you would always find my face buried in one, whether I’m waiting for a doctor’s appointment, for a contact hour at school, at the grocery whilst waiting in line... I studied day and night. Did more extra work to the point that my own teacher couldn't keep up with the corrections. In all honesty, I didn't mind at all. What mattered to me was that I was pushing myself to the utmost limit; that I was working hard and filling all my time, and blocking every thought that hurt me. It worked for around 11 months, but now that I finished all my exams, those feelings are resurfacing back up again. I've been trying to block things by reading more books, reading various research, starting this blog, but unfortunately, that empty feeling still lingers.

I don't use the word hate, but I have to say that I do hate feeling like this, and at times I do hate myself. It's probably a repercussion of all these feelings joined together.

In addition to all of this, I'm sure that many teenagers and adults do have the same feelings and probably think that they are alone, but I can assure you that you are not.

I have to take my own advice here, but do try to let yourself be more open and accept that you are not meant to be alone. I've been trying to convince myself that maybe that is my destiny, being alone. In fact a very close friend of mine once told me that we should choose kittens, because we might be cat ladies... But I don't want to be that, so I'm trying to make some small constant changes towards a better future, and I encourage all of you out there to never give up and always hope for the best.

Things may be and are hard right now, but it will get better… Slowly... But it will. You just have to persevere.

In conclusion, I would like to get back to the question. What is your view? Is loneliness just a feeling or a real thing?

I'd love to hear from you and if you do want me to write about a particular topic, please e-mail me on seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next entry - keep well :)

Sera :)

Mental Illnesses - Accepted or not?

This is a different entry than all others, but I thought it's very important to touch this topic. It's a very personal sensitive topic, so I'm going to be much more cautious.

It has been a widespread topic that made almost everyone cringe (generalizing a little) when mentioning depression, OCD ect.. But truly, what are they?

Although the exact cause of most mental illnesses is not known, it is becoming clear through research that many of these conditions are caused by a combination of genetic, biological, psychological, and environmental factors -- not personal weakness or a character defect -- and recovery from a mental illness is not simply a matter of will and self-discipline, And the DSM V aids in a better psychological diagnosis.

Reference - http://www.medicinenet.com/mental_illness/article.htm

Unfortunately society doesn't talk freely about these things, due to the fear of being discriminated, judged and sometimes even teased, so people tend to deviate more into their bubble and remain there, because that's the only safe place.

Families tend to be very helpful if they are included or involved. Of course, not everyone has that luxury. I for one can relate to that. My own family holds stigma towards any kind of mental illness, so we all decide to never talk about them, but I had decided to follow my own path.

Things seemed to get out of hand especially when I couldn't keep it together during exams, which resulted in me repeating the year as unfortunately I failed two subjects, and mind you, it has been one hell of a year. Especially because I'm usually an A student.

Some teachers seem to be very helpful, and take their job seriously, especially when students are involved.  My biology teacher happened to be one of these, and he suggested that I should talk to someone. I must admit, that actually admitting that I needed help proved to be more nerve wrecking then anything. I always wanted to do things alone and figure things out alone, but a very strong and loving person that unfortunately isn't here anymore once told me that 'admitting that you need help is what makes you strong'. And that is what I did. After reconsidering a million times, and trying to put it off for months, I finally decided to knock on the door of my school counselor.

Fortunately enough, I did find help, and not getting too personal (as I'm still working on things, and would like to keep therapy session confidentiality), I managed to resit for each and every exam in a different attitude. Of course during our sessions, we discovered that the panic attacks during exams happen to be the result of many deeper things (which again I will leave there due to therapy confidentiality).

Besides my school counselor, I managed to find support from my friends, and family when it came to exams especially. I pushed it to the utmost limit. Studying non stop and sleeping as little as 2/3 hours a day. Unfortunately this took a little of a toll physically, but I made it, and am working harder towards recovery.

My message to you today, is to please, do speak up, because your opinion is valuable to the world, and whoever and wherever you are, the world does want to hear you if you give it the chance. I feel a little hypocritical saying this, because I do hold back a lot, but I'm working on it.

Due to my family's stigma towards mental illnesses, I decided to leave them out of the loop, which hopefully will still help me. But please, if there's anyone out there that feels that needs help, or know that they need help, please do speak up – to counsellors, psychologists, spiritual guidance, or even family if you're comfortable. But never be ashamed of who you are, because I'm sure as hell that anyone that's reading this, has something to offer to the world.

In conclusion, I would like to reinforce to always seek professional help if there is the need. There are many people like me that love to motivate others and provide positive reinforcement, but I'm no specialist.

So back to the starting question - are mental illnesses more accepted or not?

Please comment and e-mail me with your suggestions and anything that you would like to tell me or want me to write about on

seramartina@hotmail.com

Keep well :)

Till next time :)

Sera :)