Isolation

Part of this...thing... that comes with it without even realising, is the isolation that comes with it. I constantly feel alone - and I constantly feel miserable. In reality, I think I'm depressed.. but I don't want to admit it. I don't want to end up on any medication - primarily because many of the psychiatric meds have weight gain as a side-effect and also the fact that I do not want to get hooked on, on them.

I broke down today - but in a desperate way. I don't know what to do... I'm tired of fighting and tired of all of this. I want to give it a rest and just let go and fall -- how far I fall is up to me I guess... but I'm tired of doing all this 'hanging in there' and 'fighting'.

I think I need to have a break from everything and really stop this for a while...

I'm tired...

Currently, the reality is that things are heading south and I'm too tired to help myself... but I'm trying to trust into the profs...

Please do you have any experience with giving up in this?

Sera xxx

Struggling

It's my 3rd day here and I'm ready to flee.
I can't do this.. This is scaring me to death. Nurses told me that I have to increase my intake by much much much more, especially as I still haven't managed to finish meals - both due to pain and the countless thoughts I'm having.
After every meal, we're not allowed to go to bathrooms or anything for an hour, so the only way to purge the calories is to exercise.
Of course many of us do it in secretive even though we're not allowed to doing so. I'm not ready to be in recovery, and I don't think I will ever get rid of anorexia.
I feel safe in it.. and I'm scared of letting go.
I know that if I do go out of here, I wouldn't keep any meal plan, and I know that I would simply go back to what I was. Which I know I will. Especially when I'll get the passes..
I'm terrified..
My doctor doesn't want to discharge me and he's not doing that...
I thought on signing myself out...
The nurses talked to me about it and they told me that it won't work either, due to the state I'm in.

Today another girl and I broke down in tears. We both couldn't face our meals. She couldn't face lunch and I couldn't face the snack. We had our fear foods and we were mostly challenged and were kept there until we finished.
Dinner for me was another battle. The nurses give us a time limit to how much we can take long to finish the meals, however I didn't even manage to finish one. They kept pushing so that I'll have some protein, but I only stuck to carrots and cabbage..

Haven't had a bowel movement in almost a week... Fibre is supposedly to work.. and yet it's not..
Coffee is another thing. It has to be with full fat milk and we're not allowed anything that's diet. We can only have one cup of green tea at 10pm.
I also discovered that I'm not allowed to do any gym. Some of the other girls are allowed passes to the gym with an instructor.. but others (we're around 8-me included) aren't allowed.
We're not even allowed to take the stairs... which is even more tiring...

I'm hoping that maybe it will get better.. However I don't know if I'll be able to continue any progress outside here - not that I'm currently doing any progress...

If you want to talk or want me to write about a particular topic, feel free to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com


Till next time - keep well

Sera xxx

2nd Day

I woke up this morning feeling more terrified than ever. I thought that I could just eat as if nothing ever happened.
The reality is, that I can't...
I woke up this morning convinced that I have put 7kg on, since last night - which is impossible as I haven't even managed to finish one meal.
I'm constantly in a battle within myself - between the control and having to eat...
The nurses, staff and people here are all so helpful, and they are all so kind. They don't push us too much, but they do want us to keep going.
In my case, at certain points I have to stop half way or even sometimes less. The bad stomach pains and cramps that I do get are pretty unbearable to say the least.

We have assigned places at meal times, and also, depending on our state, we could leave the centre for the weekend. Currently another girl and I are here as all the other girls have gone away.
It's a little quiet for a Saturday night, but it's giving us a little time to relax and talk.

My parents have also visited, however not both are on board with me being here.
In reality, if it wasn't for my doctor and for his pushing, I wouldn't be here... It was him that talked to my parents and it was him that admitted me asap.

There are set meal times - Breakfast, lunch and dinner - with 2 snacks included in between.
There are three types of meal plans. The other girl and I are on the most basic due to having starved ourselves for so long.

Estimation, I think we're having around 700-850 cals. Which although it does set our mind at rest that we're still eating below a normal calorific intake, it still gives us anxiety on how much we're actually eating. Especially as we're both used to eating further less than that or nothing at all (at our worst)...

Not having finished one meal is playing against me. I know that when my doc is going to see me, he is going to want to find out the why and the yada yada yada...
Only I won't be able to give him a clear answer, as I don't even know why myself.

Exercising is another issue.
I want and need to exercise, but we're not allowed. Not even walks.. and that is frustrating... Some of us do secretively exercise which isn't necessarily helping our cause... but at times we can't help it.

The nurses come to check on us every 30 mins or so, and during meal times rooms and bathrooms are locked. Once meal time finishes, we are all to rest in the living room and aren't allowed in bathrooms or rooms till an hour later (as they would still be locked).

I've found it very strange to realise that many of us have the same thoughts and feelings - almost directly and clearly set by a machine... which does help us to relate to each other...

I was wondering, have you guys ever been in recovery? Do you have any idea what to expect more?
Also, how did you deal with meal times?

If you'd like to talk or want me to write about a particular topic, please don't hesitate to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time - keep well

Sera xxxx

Loneliness - Reality or just a feeling?

We may log on facebook, instagram, or any social network that are filled with virtual friends. Some may be real friends, whilst others may just be present for number. I can relate to that. I do have very few friends that don't require both hands to count that I talk online almost on a daily basis, and that are real. Due to our busy lives, we find it hard to manage to find a suitable time to meet, so social networks, chats and even text messaging proved to be very helpful in keeping contact.

Although this does take off some of the toll, the experience of face to face communication is constantly being missed. Some messages could be even taken in a double meaning whilst chatting, proving that we may have taken a step backwards rather than forwards.

But in reality, despite chatting and everything, many still feel lonely. I am one of these people. I do feel left out in many aspects which resulted in me not having the best coping mechanisms, and just like me, there are other people with the same experience. 

Feelings of loneliness may also be accompanied by feelings of emptiness, dullness and even sadness. Speaking from primary experience, I can totally say that these feelings combined together may leave you defeated to the point where you keep withdrawing back and asking yourself whether you do actually matter - to anyone really - family, friends ect...

I wanted to numb all these feelings; hence I took more work than I could actually do. This meant extra lessons, extra tuition, extra subjects. It left me with no energy, but at least I could escape into my world of books, as they require no communication skills. Right?

Books have been my escape – you would always find my face buried in one, whether I’m waiting for a doctor’s appointment, for a contact hour at school, at the grocery whilst waiting in line... I studied day and night. Did more extra work to the point that my own teacher couldn't keep up with the corrections. In all honesty, I didn't mind at all. What mattered to me was that I was pushing myself to the utmost limit; that I was working hard and filling all my time, and blocking every thought that hurt me. It worked for around 11 months, but now that I finished all my exams, those feelings are resurfacing back up again. I've been trying to block things by reading more books, reading various research, starting this blog, but unfortunately, that empty feeling still lingers.

I don't use the word hate, but I have to say that I do hate feeling like this, and at times I do hate myself. It's probably a repercussion of all these feelings joined together.

In addition to all of this, I'm sure that many teenagers and adults do have the same feelings and probably think that they are alone, but I can assure you that you are not.

I have to take my own advice here, but do try to let yourself be more open and accept that you are not meant to be alone. I've been trying to convince myself that maybe that is my destiny, being alone. In fact a very close friend of mine once told me that we should choose kittens, because we might be cat ladies... But I don't want to be that, so I'm trying to make some small constant changes towards a better future, and I encourage all of you out there to never give up and always hope for the best.

Things may be and are hard right now, but it will get better… Slowly... But it will. You just have to persevere.

In conclusion, I would like to get back to the question. What is your view? Is loneliness just a feeling or a real thing?

I'd love to hear from you and if you do want me to write about a particular topic, please e-mail me on seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next entry - keep well :)

Sera :)

Mental Illnesses - Accepted or not?

This is a different entry than all others, but I thought it's very important to touch this topic. It's a very personal sensitive topic, so I'm going to be much more cautious.

It has been a widespread topic that made almost everyone cringe (generalizing a little) when mentioning depression, OCD ect.. But truly, what are they?

Although the exact cause of most mental illnesses is not known, it is becoming clear through research that many of these conditions are caused by a combination of genetic, biological, psychological, and environmental factors -- not personal weakness or a character defect -- and recovery from a mental illness is not simply a matter of will and self-discipline, And the DSM V aids in a better psychological diagnosis.

Reference - http://www.medicinenet.com/mental_illness/article.htm

Unfortunately society doesn't talk freely about these things, due to the fear of being discriminated, judged and sometimes even teased, so people tend to deviate more into their bubble and remain there, because that's the only safe place.

Families tend to be very helpful if they are included or involved. Of course, not everyone has that luxury. I for one can relate to that. My own family holds stigma towards any kind of mental illness, so we all decide to never talk about them, but I had decided to follow my own path.

Things seemed to get out of hand especially when I couldn't keep it together during exams, which resulted in me repeating the year as unfortunately I failed two subjects, and mind you, it has been one hell of a year. Especially because I'm usually an A student.

Some teachers seem to be very helpful, and take their job seriously, especially when students are involved.  My biology teacher happened to be one of these, and he suggested that I should talk to someone. I must admit, that actually admitting that I needed help proved to be more nerve wrecking then anything. I always wanted to do things alone and figure things out alone, but a very strong and loving person that unfortunately isn't here anymore once told me that 'admitting that you need help is what makes you strong'. And that is what I did. After reconsidering a million times, and trying to put it off for months, I finally decided to knock on the door of my school counselor.

Fortunately enough, I did find help, and not getting too personal (as I'm still working on things, and would like to keep therapy session confidentiality), I managed to resit for each and every exam in a different attitude. Of course during our sessions, we discovered that the panic attacks during exams happen to be the result of many deeper things (which again I will leave there due to therapy confidentiality).

Besides my school counselor, I managed to find support from my friends, and family when it came to exams especially. I pushed it to the utmost limit. Studying non stop and sleeping as little as 2/3 hours a day. Unfortunately this took a little of a toll physically, but I made it, and am working harder towards recovery.

My message to you today, is to please, do speak up, because your opinion is valuable to the world, and whoever and wherever you are, the world does want to hear you if you give it the chance. I feel a little hypocritical saying this, because I do hold back a lot, but I'm working on it.

Due to my family's stigma towards mental illnesses, I decided to leave them out of the loop, which hopefully will still help me. But please, if there's anyone out there that feels that needs help, or know that they need help, please do speak up – to counsellors, psychologists, spiritual guidance, or even family if you're comfortable. But never be ashamed of who you are, because I'm sure as hell that anyone that's reading this, has something to offer to the world.

In conclusion, I would like to reinforce to always seek professional help if there is the need. There are many people like me that love to motivate others and provide positive reinforcement, but I'm no specialist.

So back to the starting question - are mental illnesses more accepted or not?

Please comment and e-mail me with your suggestions and anything that you would like to tell me or want me to write about on

seramartina@hotmail.com

Keep well :)

Till next time :)

Sera :)