A New Journey

I don't even know were to start.
These past few weeks, I had been deteriorating slowly. Although I still do not admit it to myself that I am sick, that I am anorexic,
My doctor wanted me inpatient ASAP, and here I am - trying to find every inch of courage to admit that I do have an illness, and most importantly trying to get out of this cage.

I've been battling this for years.. going to and fro, to and fro.. until my body gave up on me..
And since 2pm,, I've been an inpatient at a residential facility.

Meal times are dreadful, and it's scaring me to think about the large amount of things I'm having to face to eat. All I can think of is how much of a failure I am for having to eat.. Not eating gave me a sense of pride that I could control something.. that I could control the numbers.. That I could control what I eat.. but now I can't anymore..

The doctors, and nurses are all so kind and so helpful. When they see you struggling to eat, they come beside you and tell you soothing words and try to be understanding as much as possible.. I haven't been able to finish one meal as yet, and although they were tough and pushing to keep going, they kept being helpful despite of everything.

The youngest patient here is 14 years old and oldest is 33. We're a group of 12 girls, all trying to get out of this. All trying to find ourselves... hopefully we'll manage...

Even the girls here are supportive. I made a friend, and she's in medical school. She is also battling this illness, and she has been here since Monday. She has been trying to help me keep on going no matter what.. but I can't stop these thoughts.

I know that anorexia is a very strong and debilitating and soul screeching thing.. but I feel safe in it.. I feel it a shield.. I feel it to be protecting and loving.. I ... am scared to let go...

My stay is indefinite, but for sure they want me here for months to come...

Maybe someday... it will get better...

I was wondering.. Has anyone ever been in recovery? and how was it for you in the first few days?

If you want to e-mail me to talk, or even just to ask certain questions, do not hesitate to doing so by e-mailing me on  - seramartina@hotmail.com

Love Sera xxxx

My favourite Current Thing

Mugs, thermoses, travel mugs. Anything that allows me to carry liquids in fancy things make me feel happy.
My current gadget in these things is this new Animal Thermos that I managed to get from ebay. It's such a cute pinky thermos that allows it to be a little me. The first time I saw it, I had to get it. It reflected so many things in me that I was automatically attached to it from just a picture.

This morning, it came by post, and for the record, it came very early.

I started using it right away, and it solely purpose is well served :D .

Another addition to my collection :D.

What about you? Do you have any special collection or anything that you like?

I would like to hear from all of you :)

If you'd like me to write about a particular topic, or even just to talk, don't hesitate to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time - Keep well :)

Sera :) xx 

I'm sorry - Back to blogging

First and foremost I have to apologize for these last few days. As some of you may have noticed, and I guess it was a little obvious, I've been having some bad time these days, and unfortunately, I'm sick again. I'm so tired of being sick... and antibiotics aren't really helping. Not to mention the fact that I'm constantly tired.

Anyways, enough rambling from me. As promised, I would be doing the blogging challenge, however, it's going to take longer than expected, due to the time I would be taking in working on personal things, which I will be revealing very soon.

Now that I have settled University, and some concrete plans for the future, I can say that I finally I am a little compliant and ready to take things head on - hopefully these will manage.

All in all, I've wanted to apologize for going AWOL for these last few days.
Once I get fully better from the flu, I will be posting more frequently.

I was wondering, how are you guys? And do you want me to write about anything?
Also, if you want to e-mail me, or ask me anything, or even just to talk, please do so on -
seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time - Keep Well

Sera :) xx

What is this? - Need help

I cannot understand any of this. At one minute I'm laughing, and crying in the next. At one point I'm filled with motivation to move forward and terrified as hell in the next. I know it's still a fresh wound, and I'm trying to find my feet. But it's taking a lot. And it is taking long.

What if I still don't make it? What if this would be another year in vain? What would happen then?

These questions keep creeping up. I'm trying to figure out my future whilst making my own path, but.. I don't know. I really have no idea about anything these days.
I'm tired of crying. I just want to forget and start making progress. I want to be happy.. But apparently it's going to take longer.
Maybe this year would be the year.
I truly don't know what I would do if it doesn't happen this year. I've been working so hard for this and have been waiting since I was just a little kid.. I want to make my dream come true.. But I'm terrified that I won't make it again.

Fear is what gets in the way. In my case it's a mixture of fear, shame, hatred, guilt, anger, disappointment, distress... And so many more.. And what all those make is fear in general.

How do I even do this?
What's the next step forward?
I need a sign.. Something..

Humpf... I'll have to work harder..

Sera.

Another day-Feeling hopeless..

It's been 3 days, and yet I'm still trying to find myself. I don't know if I can do it, or if I can keep up the motivation or even some courage, but I'm trying to move forward. Right now I can barely look in the mirror. I hate myself completely. Maybe this is a test to see how further I can take it, or maybe.. I don't know.. I truly don't know..
I'm rambling over here. But I feel so alone right now. I am tired of trying and yet I want to try again, only at times I feel this surge of courage and at some point, like now, I feel hopeless to the point of wanting to disappear from the face of this earth.
Will this pain ever end? Will it ever get better? Should I keep hoping? Should I even try? .. I need a sign, something, somewhere.. I.. Just don't know.. And I'm tired.. I feel that I want to sleep and never wake up ever again..
Every time I close my eyes to sleep I do forget a little, but once I wake up, reality hits all over again. I hate this.. I hate me.. I just want the pain to end...

Anyways... For now I'll be leaving a little the 30 day challenge. If I do feel a little better I'll try to post something..

Sera

Update

This is not one of the challenge days I was thinking on doing. Honestly, I truly don't know where my mind is at the moment. I've lost a lot of things in these past two days and am trying to get back on my feet slowly.

One bad news can change everything. It did change everything. I lost a part of me, and I don't think I'll ever recover it back. Maybe I should just give up! Maybe I should just don't care anymore. I don't feel like picking myself up this time. I'm shattered and have no strength in getting back up.

Either way, in some way, form or another I have to try and get back up on my feet and fight this back. I have to try and find other ways... Maybe who knows.. I'll succeed this time...
I just don't know what to do...

Anyways.. That's all for today..

Till next time - Keep well

Sera xx

Day 2 - 20 Facts about me

1. I drink tea and coffee and water constantly throughout the day. My family even calls me a tadpole due to the large amounts of liquids I ingest daily.
   
   
   
2. I love eating ice, in summer and winter, despite the cold weather.
   
3. I’m very bad at confrontations. You pick up a fight and I do turn around. I cannot stand any fighting or shouting or any of the sort.
4. I’m obsessed by the way serial killers think. I love to see what made them into committing such crimes. Jeffrey Dahmer and The Zodiac Killer are my favourite. Then there’s also Nikolai Dzhumagaliev, Pedro Lopez (the monster of the Andes), and Issei Sagawa (the Kobe cannibal).
5. I spend too much time viewing youtubers. My favourite are Shane Dawson, Matthew Santoro, Epic Meal Time, Buzzfeed, Lily Lucia, Taylor Swift, Bart Baker, and Superwoman.
   
6. I still haven’t learned properly how to use a drinking straw.
7. I don’t know how to read an analogue watch properly. I only use digital.
   
8. I’m a perfectionist and need everything to be in a certain way.
9. I love huge gadgets. In fact my phone is a 6 inch.
   
10. I listen to songs that only have a meaning to me.
11. I love dresses but don’t wear them that often because I’m scared of drawing too much attention. Hence gym trousers during the week, pair of work trousers for work, and skinny jeans when I go out, or a pair of nice trousers. I do wear dresses, only not occasionally.
12. I love Taylor Swift. Many of her songs have inspired me, given me hope and even pushed me further. She’s my idol and I admire her. I wish I can meet her someday.
    
13. I only wear two pieces of jewellery besides my watch. My aunts necklace, and a ring that on it there’s written ‘God is Love’
    
14. I’ve been wearing glasses since the age of 3.
15. I love cooking. The more elaborate the happier I am. I love challenges.
    
    
    
    
16. I love writing, doing cards for Birthday’s, Christmas ect… I  believe that doing something for others needs input of time and thought. I like giving others something special that’s coming from the heart.
17. I sleep with a quilt on even in summer. I feel too much cold.
18. I hate sandals and don’t even own one.
19. I take too much work, more than I can handle. I love pushing myself to the limit.
20. I’m terrified of insects, cockroaches and any creepy crawly.

These are my 20 facts. What about you? Comment below and let me know what you like :)

Also, if you'd like me to write about a particular topic, or just want to talk to me, e-mail me on - 

seramartina@hotmail.com 

Till next time - Keep well :)

Sera :) xx

Day 1 - My Blog's Name

To say the truth, my blog came to be out of me being sick and stuck at home. I love writing, and I’ve always wanted to start one but never had the guts in doing so. Hence being sick was the kick-start to my blog.

I named my blog ‘The thunder is here’. Those who already read some of my previous posts know that I love winter. Thunder and Lightning are my favourite part of winter, especially during the night as I can curl up on the couch with 3 quilts on top of me and a cup of tea or coffee and either just study or ready a book, until of course it gets too scary and I decided to hit the sack.

Thunder makes me feel comfortable in even realising my true emotions, and I wanted this blog to be as true as possible, hence thunder = truth, as all I’m writing over here is coming from the heart.

Also, I didn’t only want to write on a particular topic, and I guess naming my blog like that, managed to give that brief impression.

Else, I do not think that there is any more significance of my blog’s name; apart from the fact that I love wintery aspects.

What about you?

Do you have blog? If so, leave me a link of your blog in the comments section and I will check them all out. :)

Also, why did you name your blog that way?

If you’d like me to write on a particular topic or just want to talk to me, e-mail me on –

seramartina@hotmail.com

I will reply to all of you. :)

Till next post – Keep well :)

Sera :)

30 Day Challenge

I've been reading many blogs, and this 30 Day challenge, seemed to appeal to me more. I do like to know more about the people writing the amazing blogs, so I decided to give it a go. From tomorrow 30 days, I'll be finishing this 30 day challenge.

If anyone would like to join, feel free to do so. :) I would love to know more about you :) . Also please, leave the link of your blog in the comment sections, or else just e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time - Keep well :)

Sera :)

What holds me together – Faith

As a practicing Catholic since I was born, one thing that always held me together inside is my religion. God has been my rock in every moment of my life. There were times were I wanted to end it all, where I wanted to give up, but knowing that there is Someone Bigger and Stronger than me and that is Perfect, Omnipotent and ready to forgive me at any moment and be there for me in all difficult times, made me stay here. Believing in God and forming a real conversation with Him made me feel a little stronger and warm inside.

I know that many of you don’t believe in God, or aren’t Catholic, but having some kind of religion in general, that we believe in completely without needing any scientific evidence, does give us a sense of serenity in our hearts.

When I was 14 years old, I tried committing suicide. I was bullied a lot in school (apart from the other problems I was dealing with), to the point where I didn’t want to live anymore. But something held me here. Deep down in my heart, I knew that God had something for me. I knew that God was with me. But I felt alone. So I wanted to take out the plug, and I almost managed. Sometimes I regret that it didn’t happen. But then I remember again that in my heart God is there to help me through everything.

During those times, the only people that seemed to help were the teachers, doctors and nurses. My teachers have been very helpful and they made it possible for me to continue my lessons without any distractions. Doctors and nurses talked to me and tried to convince me that although the severe bullying was hard, someday it will end. They kept telling to hold on and never give up because that was temporary, and Death is… well… Permanent.

Coming from a science student where I need tangible proof to believe anything, by Laws, and mechanisms, sounds silly. But I believe in God, and I don’t think that I could have arrived to where I am here today. God has been and will always be everything to me.  I think having Faith in God despite no evidence except the Bible and what the church states, has given me another perspective in life. Of course, I’m still trying to find my place in this world, and trying to figure out myself, but I know that God will never leave me alone.

God is what keeps me together.

What about you? Do you believe in God? And what does keep you together? I would like to hear from you, so comment ahead. :)

Also, if you’d like to contact me, do so on my e-mail – seramartina@hotmail.com . Also, if you want me to write about a particular topic, just e-mail me, even if you want to talk or need a shoulder. :)

Sera  :)

Ten Guilty Pleasures

According to http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=guilty+pleasure, guilty pleasures are defined as something that we shouldn’t like but like either way. I have many of those, and sometimes do consider myself as weird. Luckily, my friends happened to share many of my interests which is what makes us closer in our weird likings.

Despite guilty pleasures shouldn’t be liked, what makes them like this, and why should they remain guilty pleasures and not something that we simply like doing?

Let’s get to the chase. These are my top 10 guilty pleasures

1.       Eating raw coffee beans

From my previous blog on Coffee – a Luxury or a need, you can all see that I love coffee. This doesn’t stop there. It’s not the first time that I bought raw coffee beans and chewed on them as a morning or even midnight snack. Their crunchy feeling, their bitter taste – that is what I look for, and although I shouldn’t like them, I still do.

2.       Pimple popping and blackhead extraction

It’s a natural process that a human body undergoes – the production of blackheads and pimples. I find nothing more appealing and self-fulfilling then watching pimples and blackheads being popped or taking them out myself. It’s not the first time that my family asks me to remove theirs, and you would find me there to do that job.

3.       Smelling Ammonia and Phenol

Those that have taken chemistry during sometime of their lives, know that during lab sessions, the odours never stop. For me, lab sessions where the best times of the week, and I never exited a lab without smelling phenol or ammonia. They give me a rush and now that I don’t have any more lab sessions left, I actually do miss them.

4.       Visiting ‘ratemypoop.com’

Yes, you read that correctly. Whilst some flush down the toilet immediately as they defecate, others remain staring at their handy work and take a picture of their masterpiece, posting it online for us admirers to rate their work. It may sound disgusting, and it is, but there’s something about this disgust that makes me want to keep viewing this website.

5.       Parodies instead of the music video

Parodies are the most videos that I do await after the music video would have been released. It takes few plays of the parody for me to learn it, then exactly as the proper song is played, you’d find me singing the parody instead.

6.       Eating Ice

Yepps, the cold sensation and that sharp pain in my teeth is what I look for when eating ice. It doesn’t take long to crush them with my teeth to have the full effect.

7.       Drinking coffee with a straw or teaspoon

I don’t know why but drinking either tea or coffee with a teaspoon or straw makes it seem to last longer and even taste better. It’s a psychological thing, but it still feels so real.

8.       Opening cans

Whenever my mother wants to open a can or a tin or a jar of any kind, I always ask to do the honours. I enjoy watching the tin cut in a proper, nice and sleek way.

9.       Holding cold things with my bare hands

The sharp pain that goes to my elbow is what I look for. I enjoy that rush and always look for it.

10.   Watching other people eat large meals

I think the fact that watching other people eat makes me feel as if I’m eating it myself, hence I feel full without having to touch that particular food.

These are my top 10 guilty pleasures. What are yours? I would love to hear yours.

I'd love to hear from you and if you do want me to write about a particular topic, please e-mail me on seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next entry - keep well :)

Sera :)

Coffee - A luxury or a need?

The fresh coffee beans brewing early in the morning. That sharp bitter taste of espresso. That rush you get when caffeine hits your system, and that little smile that curls up your lips when you get your much needed fix. 

It is estimated that 50% of the population, equivalent to 150 million Americans, drink espresso, cappuccino, latte, or iced/cold coffees.

Reference - http://www.e-importz.com/coffee-statistics.php

In Malta, it’s nothing less. Café stores are filled with customers from around 6am, and during office break times, customers double or even triple, but do we truly need the caffeine fix or is it because of habit?

I for one, am a coffee lover. You’d find me reaching for my caffeine fix even when I don’t need it. It’s more of a love, or habit that I think makes me reach for that constant cup daily. For instance, today it has been my 6^th cup of Nescafe Espresso Rich and Short, and 5^th cup of Green Tea. I’m stuck at home sick for quite some time, and I guess the only thing that kept me going is fixing my blog, and reaching for that cup.

Looking at the picture of my cup makes me want to get another one (which I did). Caffeine is a drug and it doesn’t come without any side-effects. I tend to abuse it on a daily basis, especially during school days, when days seem short and material to work on and study seems too much. Some of the negative side effects include –

• Insomnia and/or sleeplessness
• Anxiety symptoms
• Depleted calcium and iron levels in women 
• High Blood Pressure and Indigestion
• Restlessness
• Irritability
• Heartburn
• Headaches (sometimes severe)
• Rapid heartbeat
• Nausea

But besides these, caffeine does come with advantages as well. Such as –

• Increased muscle strength.
• Increased metabolism by breaking down fat, freeing fatty acids and forcing them to be burned. (Caffeine is the most active ingredient in many diet pills.)
• Increased pain relief medication effects.
• Increased mental faculty.
• Reduction in asthma symptoms.

Of course, despite knowing all it’s disadvantages, nothing stops me from still consuming that daily fix. It’s summer over here, meaning that as I mentioned in my previous blog entry, exams are over and it’s holiday time, where I can afford to lay of it, but caffeine withdrawal symptoms aren’t amusing.  According to http://www.disabled-world.com/artman/publish/caffeine.shtml symptoms can begin as soon as 12 hours after your last cup, depending on the amount of caffeine your body is used to.

In my case, I have experienced these symptoms under the 7^th hour. Some of the symptoms associated with withdrawal include

• Restlessness
• Irritability
• Anxiety
• Headaches (even migraines)
• Muscle stiffness
• Chills and/or hot spells.

Unfortunately, I’ve experienced all of these, which is what keeps me from stopping caffeine. I’ve been working on cutting down, or trying decaf, but why take coffee if it’s decaf? In my perspective, I do not see any reason why I should take decaf coffee. I find it a waste of taste and use of coffee.

Some, like me, may also abuse caffeine due its primary affect as an appetite suppressant,

which aids in weight loss. I will further open on this in my next blog entry, but it made  me think, how an over the .. I was going to say "counter", but that usually applies for pharmacies.. coffee is available into every store, mall or supermarket, even in cafes and restaurant. I myself order coffee before going out to eat or anything. I believe that it keeps in check with what I order. I sometimes replace meals with coffee, which I know is wrong, but I still do it anyway… and this does make me think, because I’ve known this since I was about 9 years old, and children today are more advance. 

Hence, my question, what is the reason you guys use coffee for, and do you think that kids today are more self-conscious about how they look ?

And this does bring me back to the question. Is coffee a luxury or a need?

E-mail me on – seramartina@hotmail.com , for discussions on this topic and any ideas you’d like me to write about.

Also, comment and voice your thoughts. I’d like to hear all of you.

Till next entry – Keep well :)

Sera :)

Laxative Abuse

It has been a shitty day, and I don't even know where my head is at the moment. All I know is that I couldn't do anything about it, and impulsively I took laxatives.

Obviously, the recommend dosage didn't seem like it was enough for the moment (sarcasm). So I decided to take 4 times the recommended dose. I know that tomorrow I'm going to be in so much pain, but that doesn't bother me. I think it even sets my mind at rest. I know that a bad day doesn’t justify a bad decision, but… I don’t know…

It's 22.51 right now, and yet I'm still here contemplating whether I should take more, or just leave it at that. Knowing that I'm going to feel pain tomorrow makes me feel better emotionally. I think that the cramps I'll be feeling, would be substituting any kind of self harm. In reality that is true. I've been self harming since the age of 9. When I was even younger, from the age of 3, I used to enjoy peeling my own skin and lips until they bleed. I don't know if that counts as self harm, but it always made me feel better, calmer, and a little happier. I guess it was my relief. Only it wasn't enough, because soon the cutting and burning started.

Today, self-harm has decreased to a very minimum, but I still need to feel that rush.

Wow, I think I'm rambling a little today.

It was just a shitty day. There are so many things that I can’t get my head around. There are so many things that I can’t keep hold of. And yet, I’m still here, trying to find a reason.

And I was wondering. Does anybody abuse laxatives occasionally? Or is it more of a frequent use? Do you binge purge? Or just restrict? Or is the restriction combined with laxative abuse and excessive exercise?

I’d love to hear from you.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

Please comment and e-mail me with your suggestions and anything that you would like to tell me or want me to write about on

seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time – Keep Well :)

Sera :)

Something I lost...

As a child, I was always so keen on keeping track of everything and anything I was doing. That meant that I even had to keep track of everything I did, experience or even owned, hence material things were always placed and easily found. It was one thing that my parents always loved about me. They used to come to me when they were to search their own things. I made it a must to have this perfectionistic way of living, but this still made me lose a very important thing.

Due to circumstances, I had to grow up fast and care for my younger sister from a very early age of 6. I always tried to be a grown up, and it worked. At that age, I wanted to be taken seriously, especially as I had to be the responsible one, but today, looking back, I realise that I did lose something very important. I lost my childhood. It slipped right through my fingers and I don't know where the time went.

My loss was to various other things besides having to take care of my younger sister. Primarily school. In my previous blog entry I wrote about how I always felt lonely and the only thing that helped were books. It is true, because that made me escape, and block many things, but today, I wish I had those moments where I could actually be a kid, where I could mess up a little and be okay with it.

When I was younger, I used to await my birthdays dearly, until I was around 11/12 years old. There is where I started dreading them. Although I was already responsible and able to take my own decisions, growing older made it seem more real. It made me feel that I had to always be more and more responsible in whatever I do, and the more birthdays that come, the more scared I get, because it means that I do have to settle someday. Career wise I've already set my mind to what I want to achieve, but in other aspects of my life, things seem to be very hazy.

I would like a break or a pause of this fast on going life. I would love to go back to that child like state, and stay there. I would love to go back to the time where family was more bonded together than today.

It's another thing that I hated when I grew up. My family grew further apart when 4 people of the family died. It took a toll on all of us, and I don't like it how things presently are, but I guess that's the flow of things.

My younger sister and I already made a pact to try our best in not growing apart. We're trying to prepare ourselves the best way we could in accepting that in reality we are growing up and we can do nothing to stop this process.

Kids today are living in a lifestyle that is constantly on going. In my country especially, due to the large competition in entering the only single university we own, kids are put under extreme pressure to get the highest marks. Since 3 years of age, we start kindergarten. In my time, we used to learn how to write, maths, sentence formation, ect... and had exams since that time.  Today things have changed a little and it's more of a playschool. But once kids reach grade 3, they have to undergo a large transition to adapt to the vast 6 syllabi of 6 different subjects in primary school whilst in secondary school we have to take 11/12 subjects in total.

Exams here are tougher due to this competition to divide students into those who are A from B or Pass from Fail. These labels are assigned with few mark differences, which is not fair, because it's making school tougher than it actually is and some kids are even giving up and putting themselves down before even getting to secondary school. Others on the other hand, just like me, may set up high standards for themselves, and won't get a minute rest unless they achieve their goals. Both approaches aren't the best, but the medial is even tougher to achieve.

Childhood is the best part of life that I would like to get back, but to my disappointment, I will never have it back.

In conclusion to this blog, what is the most precious and important thing that you have lost in your life? I would love to hear your views and thoughts about this topic.

Please comment and e-mail me with your suggestions and anything that you would like to tell me or want me to write about on

seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time – Keep Well :)

Sera :)

Loneliness - Reality or just a feeling?

We may log on facebook, instagram, or any social network that are filled with virtual friends. Some may be real friends, whilst others may just be present for number. I can relate to that. I do have very few friends that don't require both hands to count that I talk online almost on a daily basis, and that are real. Due to our busy lives, we find it hard to manage to find a suitable time to meet, so social networks, chats and even text messaging proved to be very helpful in keeping contact.

Although this does take off some of the toll, the experience of face to face communication is constantly being missed. Some messages could be even taken in a double meaning whilst chatting, proving that we may have taken a step backwards rather than forwards.

But in reality, despite chatting and everything, many still feel lonely. I am one of these people. I do feel left out in many aspects which resulted in me not having the best coping mechanisms, and just like me, there are other people with the same experience. 

Feelings of loneliness may also be accompanied by feelings of emptiness, dullness and even sadness. Speaking from primary experience, I can totally say that these feelings combined together may leave you defeated to the point where you keep withdrawing back and asking yourself whether you do actually matter - to anyone really - family, friends ect...

I wanted to numb all these feelings; hence I took more work than I could actually do. This meant extra lessons, extra tuition, extra subjects. It left me with no energy, but at least I could escape into my world of books, as they require no communication skills. Right?

Books have been my escape – you would always find my face buried in one, whether I’m waiting for a doctor’s appointment, for a contact hour at school, at the grocery whilst waiting in line... I studied day and night. Did more extra work to the point that my own teacher couldn't keep up with the corrections. In all honesty, I didn't mind at all. What mattered to me was that I was pushing myself to the utmost limit; that I was working hard and filling all my time, and blocking every thought that hurt me. It worked for around 11 months, but now that I finished all my exams, those feelings are resurfacing back up again. I've been trying to block things by reading more books, reading various research, starting this blog, but unfortunately, that empty feeling still lingers.

I don't use the word hate, but I have to say that I do hate feeling like this, and at times I do hate myself. It's probably a repercussion of all these feelings joined together.

In addition to all of this, I'm sure that many teenagers and adults do have the same feelings and probably think that they are alone, but I can assure you that you are not.

I have to take my own advice here, but do try to let yourself be more open and accept that you are not meant to be alone. I've been trying to convince myself that maybe that is my destiny, being alone. In fact a very close friend of mine once told me that we should choose kittens, because we might be cat ladies... But I don't want to be that, so I'm trying to make some small constant changes towards a better future, and I encourage all of you out there to never give up and always hope for the best.

Things may be and are hard right now, but it will get better… Slowly... But it will. You just have to persevere.

In conclusion, I would like to get back to the question. What is your view? Is loneliness just a feeling or a real thing?

I'd love to hear from you and if you do want me to write about a particular topic, please e-mail me on seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next entry - keep well :)

Sera :)

Mental Illnesses - Accepted or not?

This is a different entry than all others, but I thought it's very important to touch this topic. It's a very personal sensitive topic, so I'm going to be much more cautious.

It has been a widespread topic that made almost everyone cringe (generalizing a little) when mentioning depression, OCD ect.. But truly, what are they?

Although the exact cause of most mental illnesses is not known, it is becoming clear through research that many of these conditions are caused by a combination of genetic, biological, psychological, and environmental factors -- not personal weakness or a character defect -- and recovery from a mental illness is not simply a matter of will and self-discipline, And the DSM V aids in a better psychological diagnosis.

Reference - http://www.medicinenet.com/mental_illness/article.htm

Unfortunately society doesn't talk freely about these things, due to the fear of being discriminated, judged and sometimes even teased, so people tend to deviate more into their bubble and remain there, because that's the only safe place.

Families tend to be very helpful if they are included or involved. Of course, not everyone has that luxury. I for one can relate to that. My own family holds stigma towards any kind of mental illness, so we all decide to never talk about them, but I had decided to follow my own path.

Things seemed to get out of hand especially when I couldn't keep it together during exams, which resulted in me repeating the year as unfortunately I failed two subjects, and mind you, it has been one hell of a year. Especially because I'm usually an A student.

Some teachers seem to be very helpful, and take their job seriously, especially when students are involved.  My biology teacher happened to be one of these, and he suggested that I should talk to someone. I must admit, that actually admitting that I needed help proved to be more nerve wrecking then anything. I always wanted to do things alone and figure things out alone, but a very strong and loving person that unfortunately isn't here anymore once told me that 'admitting that you need help is what makes you strong'. And that is what I did. After reconsidering a million times, and trying to put it off for months, I finally decided to knock on the door of my school counselor.

Fortunately enough, I did find help, and not getting too personal (as I'm still working on things, and would like to keep therapy session confidentiality), I managed to resit for each and every exam in a different attitude. Of course during our sessions, we discovered that the panic attacks during exams happen to be the result of many deeper things (which again I will leave there due to therapy confidentiality).

Besides my school counselor, I managed to find support from my friends, and family when it came to exams especially. I pushed it to the utmost limit. Studying non stop and sleeping as little as 2/3 hours a day. Unfortunately this took a little of a toll physically, but I made it, and am working harder towards recovery.

My message to you today, is to please, do speak up, because your opinion is valuable to the world, and whoever and wherever you are, the world does want to hear you if you give it the chance. I feel a little hypocritical saying this, because I do hold back a lot, but I'm working on it.

Due to my family's stigma towards mental illnesses, I decided to leave them out of the loop, which hopefully will still help me. But please, if there's anyone out there that feels that needs help, or know that they need help, please do speak up – to counsellors, psychologists, spiritual guidance, or even family if you're comfortable. But never be ashamed of who you are, because I'm sure as hell that anyone that's reading this, has something to offer to the world.

In conclusion, I would like to reinforce to always seek professional help if there is the need. There are many people like me that love to motivate others and provide positive reinforcement, but I'm no specialist.

So back to the starting question - are mental illnesses more accepted or not?

Please comment and e-mail me with your suggestions and anything that you would like to tell me or want me to write about on

seramartina@hotmail.com

Keep well :)

Till next time :)

Sera :)

Malta - A Beautiful Island

The weather is getting warmer and brighter by the second, exams are over, and school is over for another scholastic year.

Yes, I’m talking about the one and only Malta, a small island that offers you the best Summer holiday.

One of the high lights of my country is the warm crystalline blue beach, that offers you the best opportunity to tan, swim, catch up with friends, and even camp or BBQ.

The dramatic, rocky, sea-sculpted curves of the Maltese beaches makes it even more special, and the Maltese islands are often sought by tourists due to our pristine beaches untouched from the urbanization that many other places and towns in Malta are undergoing.

In Malta we have breathtaking rocky beaches with few Sandy Beaches, such as – Ghajn Tuffiefa, Paradise Bay, Armier Bay and St. George’s Bay, Balluta Bay and Golden Bay, that is a surefire to attract visitors.

Much of these beaches are accompanied by the various water sports, such as diving, kayaking ect… and some are not for the faint-hearted.

The beaches of Malta are mainly adapted for pure relaxing for all ages. Of course, Sandy beaches tend to attract the youngsters more. I remember myself that when I was younger, I used to love sandy beaches, but today, knowing how messy things can get, I do prefer more rocky beaches, such as Ta Xiebx or even Tigne point.

As Malta is quite a small island, travelling is easy, and buses are available at any times and places are easily reachable, even by walk, of course, depending from where one is travelling.

Many hotels are situated near prominent beaches, making it easier for the the tourist to appreciate the beauty the Maltese Islands have to offer.

Unfortunately, we cannot say much for the Maltese citizens. At times we have the problem of vandalism and litter, that does induce odd smells; and some don’t appreciate what we already have. It’s thanks to the Local Council’s work that the Beaches are kept spic and span, with many bins situated on the pavement to make it easier to both recycle and keep the beaches clean.

Although the Maltese beaches are often brimming with people and tourists, one could also find secluded quiet areas on Maltese sister Islands such as Gozo and Comino and a beach named ‘Il-Fekruna’ that is situated in Malta. Although ‘Il-Fekruna’ Is a very beautiful beach, many students and teens have been injured, due to the free fall diving to the sea from up to 4 stories height.

There was also an abandoned hotel that had to be taken down, as many teens wanted to be adventurous which may have left them paralyzed or even worse, in a life threatening situation.

Despite having said all that, Malta is a very beautiful island with so much to offer. I encourage everyone to take a chance and to visit my country at least once in their lives and I promise, you won’t be disappointed.

Stay tuned for my next entry – Teens – Preferred venues and activities to wind off in Summer?

If you do want to contact me for a topic that you want me to write about or even just to comment on this particular blog, please e-mail me on

seramartina@hotmail.com

I’d love to hear from you, so e-mail away.

Till next time – Keep well :)

Sera :)