Laxative Abuse

It has been a shitty day, and I don't even know where my head is at the moment. All I know is that I couldn't do anything about it, and impulsively I took laxatives.

Obviously, the recommend dosage didn't seem like it was enough for the moment (sarcasm). So I decided to take 4 times the recommended dose. I know that tomorrow I'm going to be in so much pain, but that doesn't bother me. I think it even sets my mind at rest. I know that a bad day doesn’t justify a bad decision, but… I don’t know…

It's 22.51 right now, and yet I'm still here contemplating whether I should take more, or just leave it at that. Knowing that I'm going to feel pain tomorrow makes me feel better emotionally. I think that the cramps I'll be feeling, would be substituting any kind of self harm. In reality that is true. I've been self harming since the age of 9. When I was even younger, from the age of 3, I used to enjoy peeling my own skin and lips until they bleed. I don't know if that counts as self harm, but it always made me feel better, calmer, and a little happier. I guess it was my relief. Only it wasn't enough, because soon the cutting and burning started.

Today, self-harm has decreased to a very minimum, but I still need to feel that rush.

Wow, I think I'm rambling a little today.

It was just a shitty day. There are so many things that I can’t get my head around. There are so many things that I can’t keep hold of. And yet, I’m still here, trying to find a reason.

And I was wondering. Does anybody abuse laxatives occasionally? Or is it more of a frequent use? Do you binge purge? Or just restrict? Or is the restriction combined with laxative abuse and excessive exercise?

I’d love to hear from you.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

Please comment and e-mail me with your suggestions and anything that you would like to tell me or want me to write about on

seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time – Keep Well :)

Sera :)