Isolation

Part of this...thing... that comes with it without even realising, is the isolation that comes with it. I constantly feel alone - and I constantly feel miserable. In reality, I think I'm depressed.. but I don't want to admit it. I don't want to end up on any medication - primarily because many of the psychiatric meds have weight gain as a side-effect and also the fact that I do not want to get hooked on, on them.

I broke down today - but in a desperate way. I don't know what to do... I'm tired of fighting and tired of all of this. I want to give it a rest and just let go and fall -- how far I fall is up to me I guess... but I'm tired of doing all this 'hanging in there' and 'fighting'.

I think I need to have a break from everything and really stop this for a while...

I'm tired...

Currently, the reality is that things are heading south and I'm too tired to help myself... but I'm trying to trust into the profs...

Please do you have any experience with giving up in this?

Sera xxx

Honest Update

It's been a while since I've blogged, however things have been going haywire. For starters, I managed to stabilize my weight a little over this summer, which although it was hard, I managed to obey the rules and managed to get myself out of inpatient.
At those times, I thought I could still do it outside of treatment - the reality is that my mind kept thinking that once I'm out of there, I would be able to lose all the weight back - and that is what happened in reality.
I am happy about all the lost weight, however, before I signed out, I promised that I would still attend some therapy sessions, weekly psychologist sessions and even be a day patient 2/3 times per week.
At first it was working, however, it didn't last long, because they caught up to me.
I had started to abuse ephedrine - which truly works, and all those old habits came back - skipping one snack, then one fruit, then one meal... till large food groups start to be omitted, whilst exercise routines increase.

I have started University and this doesn't come cheap - both financially, and emotionally... not to forget the physical exertion which also led to loads of sleepless nights.

Doctors and Mental Health Nurses from inpatient have been supportive throughout all this transition, along with the patients, however, now that things have been heading way too south, I've been threatened to being sectioned.

I don't know how I can do that.. but I'm terrified, and if it comes to that point, I know I would have lost more than I would have gained.

I'm still working on accepting that I do have an eating disorder - and even though I still don't admit it, and at times I literally feel that there is nothing wrong, deep down, I know that I'm miserable.
I don't know why.. but I'm really miserable and I know that if I keep going down, this will only lead me to where I've started this summer.

I'm trying to pick myself up and focus on school mainly - trying to keep myself motivated may actually help me in moving forward..

The reality is that I'm terrified of all of this.. I'm terrified of what's going to happen and I'm terrified of how this will turn out to be - so I'm choosing to let things as they are, forget a little, and keep
focusing on school till I am allowed in doing so.

It's also Christmas soon, so I'm allowing things to lay low.. either way, I want to be able to bring back memories in the comfortable place of home and family.

Has anyone had a constant relapse in anorexia?
Please tell me how you dealt with it?
And when was the moment you have managed to truly accept that there is a problem?

Till next time - take care:)
Love,
Sera. xx

Wanting out of here

I don't know how this is supposed to be helping. Yes the nurses are nice, and the doctors and therapists are nice as well, however, meal times are still dreading. They expect us to eat 5 times daily with lunches and dinner consisting of a 3 course meal. That's bloody hell!! Who the hell eats that much??


I can't do it anymore here... It's been almost a week and I feel like I'm going crazy. I hate it here...


Tomorrow I will be asking my doctor again to maybe allow me to sign out. Hopefully he will. However I don't know. He seems persistent in this and he seems to want me to remain here, and I don't see how he can send me involuntarily when I'm mentally stable and capable of doing my decisions and am over 18.


How the hell do they expect us to do this!!! Some girls here have been also added a 10pm snack only because they're not gaining weight. I 100% won't do that.
Of course, here we don't have any control on what and how much we eat. We are kept at the table to eat every single thing.. And it's not fair... Now they've also established new rules - we can't go into our rooms unless it's after 5pm. Else they are closed from 8am till 5pm.


I'm trying to just get through this part... But tomorrow I'm asking him again for sure.


What about you? How did you feel in inpatients when coming to meal times and doctors orders?


If you'd like to e-mail me to talk, or to suggest any topic you'd like me to write about, please feel free to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com


Thank you to all those that e-mailed me, I will be replying very very soon.


Till next time - Keep well.
Sera xxx

Struggling

It's my 3rd day here and I'm ready to flee.
I can't do this.. This is scaring me to death. Nurses told me that I have to increase my intake by much much much more, especially as I still haven't managed to finish meals - both due to pain and the countless thoughts I'm having.
After every meal, we're not allowed to go to bathrooms or anything for an hour, so the only way to purge the calories is to exercise.
Of course many of us do it in secretive even though we're not allowed to doing so. I'm not ready to be in recovery, and I don't think I will ever get rid of anorexia.
I feel safe in it.. and I'm scared of letting go.
I know that if I do go out of here, I wouldn't keep any meal plan, and I know that I would simply go back to what I was. Which I know I will. Especially when I'll get the passes..
I'm terrified..
My doctor doesn't want to discharge me and he's not doing that...
I thought on signing myself out...
The nurses talked to me about it and they told me that it won't work either, due to the state I'm in.

Today another girl and I broke down in tears. We both couldn't face our meals. She couldn't face lunch and I couldn't face the snack. We had our fear foods and we were mostly challenged and were kept there until we finished.
Dinner for me was another battle. The nurses give us a time limit to how much we can take long to finish the meals, however I didn't even manage to finish one. They kept pushing so that I'll have some protein, but I only stuck to carrots and cabbage..

Haven't had a bowel movement in almost a week... Fibre is supposedly to work.. and yet it's not..
Coffee is another thing. It has to be with full fat milk and we're not allowed anything that's diet. We can only have one cup of green tea at 10pm.
I also discovered that I'm not allowed to do any gym. Some of the other girls are allowed passes to the gym with an instructor.. but others (we're around 8-me included) aren't allowed.
We're not even allowed to take the stairs... which is even more tiring...

I'm hoping that maybe it will get better.. However I don't know if I'll be able to continue any progress outside here - not that I'm currently doing any progress...

If you want to talk or want me to write about a particular topic, feel free to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com


Till next time - keep well

Sera xxx

2nd Day

I woke up this morning feeling more terrified than ever. I thought that I could just eat as if nothing ever happened.
The reality is, that I can't...
I woke up this morning convinced that I have put 7kg on, since last night - which is impossible as I haven't even managed to finish one meal.
I'm constantly in a battle within myself - between the control and having to eat...
The nurses, staff and people here are all so helpful, and they are all so kind. They don't push us too much, but they do want us to keep going.
In my case, at certain points I have to stop half way or even sometimes less. The bad stomach pains and cramps that I do get are pretty unbearable to say the least.

We have assigned places at meal times, and also, depending on our state, we could leave the centre for the weekend. Currently another girl and I are here as all the other girls have gone away.
It's a little quiet for a Saturday night, but it's giving us a little time to relax and talk.

My parents have also visited, however not both are on board with me being here.
In reality, if it wasn't for my doctor and for his pushing, I wouldn't be here... It was him that talked to my parents and it was him that admitted me asap.

There are set meal times - Breakfast, lunch and dinner - with 2 snacks included in between.
There are three types of meal plans. The other girl and I are on the most basic due to having starved ourselves for so long.

Estimation, I think we're having around 700-850 cals. Which although it does set our mind at rest that we're still eating below a normal calorific intake, it still gives us anxiety on how much we're actually eating. Especially as we're both used to eating further less than that or nothing at all (at our worst)...

Not having finished one meal is playing against me. I know that when my doc is going to see me, he is going to want to find out the why and the yada yada yada...
Only I won't be able to give him a clear answer, as I don't even know why myself.

Exercising is another issue.
I want and need to exercise, but we're not allowed. Not even walks.. and that is frustrating... Some of us do secretively exercise which isn't necessarily helping our cause... but at times we can't help it.

The nurses come to check on us every 30 mins or so, and during meal times rooms and bathrooms are locked. Once meal time finishes, we are all to rest in the living room and aren't allowed in bathrooms or rooms till an hour later (as they would still be locked).

I've found it very strange to realise that many of us have the same thoughts and feelings - almost directly and clearly set by a machine... which does help us to relate to each other...

I was wondering, have you guys ever been in recovery? Do you have any idea what to expect more?
Also, how did you deal with meal times?

If you'd like to talk or want me to write about a particular topic, please don't hesitate to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time - keep well

Sera xxxx

A New Journey

I don't even know were to start.
These past few weeks, I had been deteriorating slowly. Although I still do not admit it to myself that I am sick, that I am anorexic,
My doctor wanted me inpatient ASAP, and here I am - trying to find every inch of courage to admit that I do have an illness, and most importantly trying to get out of this cage.

I've been battling this for years.. going to and fro, to and fro.. until my body gave up on me..
And since 2pm,, I've been an inpatient at a residential facility.

Meal times are dreadful, and it's scaring me to think about the large amount of things I'm having to face to eat. All I can think of is how much of a failure I am for having to eat.. Not eating gave me a sense of pride that I could control something.. that I could control the numbers.. That I could control what I eat.. but now I can't anymore..

The doctors, and nurses are all so kind and so helpful. When they see you struggling to eat, they come beside you and tell you soothing words and try to be understanding as much as possible.. I haven't been able to finish one meal as yet, and although they were tough and pushing to keep going, they kept being helpful despite of everything.

The youngest patient here is 14 years old and oldest is 33. We're a group of 12 girls, all trying to get out of this. All trying to find ourselves... hopefully we'll manage...

Even the girls here are supportive. I made a friend, and she's in medical school. She is also battling this illness, and she has been here since Monday. She has been trying to help me keep on going no matter what.. but I can't stop these thoughts.

I know that anorexia is a very strong and debilitating and soul screeching thing.. but I feel safe in it.. I feel it a shield.. I feel it to be protecting and loving.. I ... am scared to let go...

My stay is indefinite, but for sure they want me here for months to come...

Maybe someday... it will get better...

I was wondering.. Has anyone ever been in recovery? and how was it for you in the first few days?

If you want to e-mail me to talk, or even just to ask certain questions, do not hesitate to doing so by e-mailing me on  - seramartina@hotmail.com

Love Sera xxxx

Coffee - A luxury or a need?

The fresh coffee beans brewing early in the morning. That sharp bitter taste of espresso. That rush you get when caffeine hits your system, and that little smile that curls up your lips when you get your much needed fix. 

It is estimated that 50% of the population, equivalent to 150 million Americans, drink espresso, cappuccino, latte, or iced/cold coffees.

Reference - http://www.e-importz.com/coffee-statistics.php

In Malta, it’s nothing less. Café stores are filled with customers from around 6am, and during office break times, customers double or even triple, but do we truly need the caffeine fix or is it because of habit?

I for one, am a coffee lover. You’d find me reaching for my caffeine fix even when I don’t need it. It’s more of a love, or habit that I think makes me reach for that constant cup daily. For instance, today it has been my 6^th cup of Nescafe Espresso Rich and Short, and 5^th cup of Green Tea. I’m stuck at home sick for quite some time, and I guess the only thing that kept me going is fixing my blog, and reaching for that cup.

Looking at the picture of my cup makes me want to get another one (which I did). Caffeine is a drug and it doesn’t come without any side-effects. I tend to abuse it on a daily basis, especially during school days, when days seem short and material to work on and study seems too much. Some of the negative side effects include –

• Insomnia and/or sleeplessness
• Anxiety symptoms
• Depleted calcium and iron levels in women 
• High Blood Pressure and Indigestion
• Restlessness
• Irritability
• Heartburn
• Headaches (sometimes severe)
• Rapid heartbeat
• Nausea

But besides these, caffeine does come with advantages as well. Such as –

• Increased muscle strength.
• Increased metabolism by breaking down fat, freeing fatty acids and forcing them to be burned. (Caffeine is the most active ingredient in many diet pills.)
• Increased pain relief medication effects.
• Increased mental faculty.
• Reduction in asthma symptoms.

Of course, despite knowing all it’s disadvantages, nothing stops me from still consuming that daily fix. It’s summer over here, meaning that as I mentioned in my previous blog entry, exams are over and it’s holiday time, where I can afford to lay of it, but caffeine withdrawal symptoms aren’t amusing.  According to http://www.disabled-world.com/artman/publish/caffeine.shtml symptoms can begin as soon as 12 hours after your last cup, depending on the amount of caffeine your body is used to.

In my case, I have experienced these symptoms under the 7^th hour. Some of the symptoms associated with withdrawal include

• Restlessness
• Irritability
• Anxiety
• Headaches (even migraines)
• Muscle stiffness
• Chills and/or hot spells.

Unfortunately, I’ve experienced all of these, which is what keeps me from stopping caffeine. I’ve been working on cutting down, or trying decaf, but why take coffee if it’s decaf? In my perspective, I do not see any reason why I should take decaf coffee. I find it a waste of taste and use of coffee.

Some, like me, may also abuse caffeine due its primary affect as an appetite suppressant,

which aids in weight loss. I will further open on this in my next blog entry, but it made  me think, how an over the .. I was going to say "counter", but that usually applies for pharmacies.. coffee is available into every store, mall or supermarket, even in cafes and restaurant. I myself order coffee before going out to eat or anything. I believe that it keeps in check with what I order. I sometimes replace meals with coffee, which I know is wrong, but I still do it anyway… and this does make me think, because I’ve known this since I was about 9 years old, and children today are more advance. 

Hence, my question, what is the reason you guys use coffee for, and do you think that kids today are more self-conscious about how they look ?

And this does bring me back to the question. Is coffee a luxury or a need?

E-mail me on – seramartina@hotmail.com , for discussions on this topic and any ideas you’d like me to write about.

Also, comment and voice your thoughts. I’d like to hear all of you.

Till next entry – Keep well :)

Sera :)

Laxative Abuse

It has been a shitty day, and I don't even know where my head is at the moment. All I know is that I couldn't do anything about it, and impulsively I took laxatives.

Obviously, the recommend dosage didn't seem like it was enough for the moment (sarcasm). So I decided to take 4 times the recommended dose. I know that tomorrow I'm going to be in so much pain, but that doesn't bother me. I think it even sets my mind at rest. I know that a bad day doesn’t justify a bad decision, but… I don’t know…

It's 22.51 right now, and yet I'm still here contemplating whether I should take more, or just leave it at that. Knowing that I'm going to feel pain tomorrow makes me feel better emotionally. I think that the cramps I'll be feeling, would be substituting any kind of self harm. In reality that is true. I've been self harming since the age of 9. When I was even younger, from the age of 3, I used to enjoy peeling my own skin and lips until they bleed. I don't know if that counts as self harm, but it always made me feel better, calmer, and a little happier. I guess it was my relief. Only it wasn't enough, because soon the cutting and burning started.

Today, self-harm has decreased to a very minimum, but I still need to feel that rush.

Wow, I think I'm rambling a little today.

It was just a shitty day. There are so many things that I can’t get my head around. There are so many things that I can’t keep hold of. And yet, I’m still here, trying to find a reason.

And I was wondering. Does anybody abuse laxatives occasionally? Or is it more of a frequent use? Do you binge purge? Or just restrict? Or is the restriction combined with laxative abuse and excessive exercise?

I’d love to hear from you.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

Please comment and e-mail me with your suggestions and anything that you would like to tell me or want me to write about on

seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time – Keep Well :)

Sera :)

Something I lost...

As a child, I was always so keen on keeping track of everything and anything I was doing. That meant that I even had to keep track of everything I did, experience or even owned, hence material things were always placed and easily found. It was one thing that my parents always loved about me. They used to come to me when they were to search their own things. I made it a must to have this perfectionistic way of living, but this still made me lose a very important thing.

Due to circumstances, I had to grow up fast and care for my younger sister from a very early age of 6. I always tried to be a grown up, and it worked. At that age, I wanted to be taken seriously, especially as I had to be the responsible one, but today, looking back, I realise that I did lose something very important. I lost my childhood. It slipped right through my fingers and I don't know where the time went.

My loss was to various other things besides having to take care of my younger sister. Primarily school. In my previous blog entry I wrote about how I always felt lonely and the only thing that helped were books. It is true, because that made me escape, and block many things, but today, I wish I had those moments where I could actually be a kid, where I could mess up a little and be okay with it.

When I was younger, I used to await my birthdays dearly, until I was around 11/12 years old. There is where I started dreading them. Although I was already responsible and able to take my own decisions, growing older made it seem more real. It made me feel that I had to always be more and more responsible in whatever I do, and the more birthdays that come, the more scared I get, because it means that I do have to settle someday. Career wise I've already set my mind to what I want to achieve, but in other aspects of my life, things seem to be very hazy.

I would like a break or a pause of this fast on going life. I would love to go back to that child like state, and stay there. I would love to go back to the time where family was more bonded together than today.

It's another thing that I hated when I grew up. My family grew further apart when 4 people of the family died. It took a toll on all of us, and I don't like it how things presently are, but I guess that's the flow of things.

My younger sister and I already made a pact to try our best in not growing apart. We're trying to prepare ourselves the best way we could in accepting that in reality we are growing up and we can do nothing to stop this process.

Kids today are living in a lifestyle that is constantly on going. In my country especially, due to the large competition in entering the only single university we own, kids are put under extreme pressure to get the highest marks. Since 3 years of age, we start kindergarten. In my time, we used to learn how to write, maths, sentence formation, ect... and had exams since that time.  Today things have changed a little and it's more of a playschool. But once kids reach grade 3, they have to undergo a large transition to adapt to the vast 6 syllabi of 6 different subjects in primary school whilst in secondary school we have to take 11/12 subjects in total.

Exams here are tougher due to this competition to divide students into those who are A from B or Pass from Fail. These labels are assigned with few mark differences, which is not fair, because it's making school tougher than it actually is and some kids are even giving up and putting themselves down before even getting to secondary school. Others on the other hand, just like me, may set up high standards for themselves, and won't get a minute rest unless they achieve their goals. Both approaches aren't the best, but the medial is even tougher to achieve.

Childhood is the best part of life that I would like to get back, but to my disappointment, I will never have it back.

In conclusion to this blog, what is the most precious and important thing that you have lost in your life? I would love to hear your views and thoughts about this topic.

Please comment and e-mail me with your suggestions and anything that you would like to tell me or want me to write about on

seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time – Keep Well :)

Sera :)

Loneliness - Reality or just a feeling?

We may log on facebook, instagram, or any social network that are filled with virtual friends. Some may be real friends, whilst others may just be present for number. I can relate to that. I do have very few friends that don't require both hands to count that I talk online almost on a daily basis, and that are real. Due to our busy lives, we find it hard to manage to find a suitable time to meet, so social networks, chats and even text messaging proved to be very helpful in keeping contact.

Although this does take off some of the toll, the experience of face to face communication is constantly being missed. Some messages could be even taken in a double meaning whilst chatting, proving that we may have taken a step backwards rather than forwards.

But in reality, despite chatting and everything, many still feel lonely. I am one of these people. I do feel left out in many aspects which resulted in me not having the best coping mechanisms, and just like me, there are other people with the same experience. 

Feelings of loneliness may also be accompanied by feelings of emptiness, dullness and even sadness. Speaking from primary experience, I can totally say that these feelings combined together may leave you defeated to the point where you keep withdrawing back and asking yourself whether you do actually matter - to anyone really - family, friends ect...

I wanted to numb all these feelings; hence I took more work than I could actually do. This meant extra lessons, extra tuition, extra subjects. It left me with no energy, but at least I could escape into my world of books, as they require no communication skills. Right?

Books have been my escape – you would always find my face buried in one, whether I’m waiting for a doctor’s appointment, for a contact hour at school, at the grocery whilst waiting in line... I studied day and night. Did more extra work to the point that my own teacher couldn't keep up with the corrections. In all honesty, I didn't mind at all. What mattered to me was that I was pushing myself to the utmost limit; that I was working hard and filling all my time, and blocking every thought that hurt me. It worked for around 11 months, but now that I finished all my exams, those feelings are resurfacing back up again. I've been trying to block things by reading more books, reading various research, starting this blog, but unfortunately, that empty feeling still lingers.

I don't use the word hate, but I have to say that I do hate feeling like this, and at times I do hate myself. It's probably a repercussion of all these feelings joined together.

In addition to all of this, I'm sure that many teenagers and adults do have the same feelings and probably think that they are alone, but I can assure you that you are not.

I have to take my own advice here, but do try to let yourself be more open and accept that you are not meant to be alone. I've been trying to convince myself that maybe that is my destiny, being alone. In fact a very close friend of mine once told me that we should choose kittens, because we might be cat ladies... But I don't want to be that, so I'm trying to make some small constant changes towards a better future, and I encourage all of you out there to never give up and always hope for the best.

Things may be and are hard right now, but it will get better… Slowly... But it will. You just have to persevere.

In conclusion, I would like to get back to the question. What is your view? Is loneliness just a feeling or a real thing?

I'd love to hear from you and if you do want me to write about a particular topic, please e-mail me on seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next entry - keep well :)

Sera :)

Mental Illnesses - Accepted or not?

This is a different entry than all others, but I thought it's very important to touch this topic. It's a very personal sensitive topic, so I'm going to be much more cautious.

It has been a widespread topic that made almost everyone cringe (generalizing a little) when mentioning depression, OCD ect.. But truly, what are they?

Although the exact cause of most mental illnesses is not known, it is becoming clear through research that many of these conditions are caused by a combination of genetic, biological, psychological, and environmental factors -- not personal weakness or a character defect -- and recovery from a mental illness is not simply a matter of will and self-discipline, And the DSM V aids in a better psychological diagnosis.

Reference - http://www.medicinenet.com/mental_illness/article.htm

Unfortunately society doesn't talk freely about these things, due to the fear of being discriminated, judged and sometimes even teased, so people tend to deviate more into their bubble and remain there, because that's the only safe place.

Families tend to be very helpful if they are included or involved. Of course, not everyone has that luxury. I for one can relate to that. My own family holds stigma towards any kind of mental illness, so we all decide to never talk about them, but I had decided to follow my own path.

Things seemed to get out of hand especially when I couldn't keep it together during exams, which resulted in me repeating the year as unfortunately I failed two subjects, and mind you, it has been one hell of a year. Especially because I'm usually an A student.

Some teachers seem to be very helpful, and take their job seriously, especially when students are involved.  My biology teacher happened to be one of these, and he suggested that I should talk to someone. I must admit, that actually admitting that I needed help proved to be more nerve wrecking then anything. I always wanted to do things alone and figure things out alone, but a very strong and loving person that unfortunately isn't here anymore once told me that 'admitting that you need help is what makes you strong'. And that is what I did. After reconsidering a million times, and trying to put it off for months, I finally decided to knock on the door of my school counselor.

Fortunately enough, I did find help, and not getting too personal (as I'm still working on things, and would like to keep therapy session confidentiality), I managed to resit for each and every exam in a different attitude. Of course during our sessions, we discovered that the panic attacks during exams happen to be the result of many deeper things (which again I will leave there due to therapy confidentiality).

Besides my school counselor, I managed to find support from my friends, and family when it came to exams especially. I pushed it to the utmost limit. Studying non stop and sleeping as little as 2/3 hours a day. Unfortunately this took a little of a toll physically, but I made it, and am working harder towards recovery.

My message to you today, is to please, do speak up, because your opinion is valuable to the world, and whoever and wherever you are, the world does want to hear you if you give it the chance. I feel a little hypocritical saying this, because I do hold back a lot, but I'm working on it.

Due to my family's stigma towards mental illnesses, I decided to leave them out of the loop, which hopefully will still help me. But please, if there's anyone out there that feels that needs help, or know that they need help, please do speak up – to counsellors, psychologists, spiritual guidance, or even family if you're comfortable. But never be ashamed of who you are, because I'm sure as hell that anyone that's reading this, has something to offer to the world.

In conclusion, I would like to reinforce to always seek professional help if there is the need. There are many people like me that love to motivate others and provide positive reinforcement, but I'm no specialist.

So back to the starting question - are mental illnesses more accepted or not?

Please comment and e-mail me with your suggestions and anything that you would like to tell me or want me to write about on

seramartina@hotmail.com

Keep well :)

Till next time :)

Sera :)