A New Journey

I don't even know were to start.
These past few weeks, I had been deteriorating slowly. Although I still do not admit it to myself that I am sick, that I am anorexic,
My doctor wanted me inpatient ASAP, and here I am - trying to find every inch of courage to admit that I do have an illness, and most importantly trying to get out of this cage.

I've been battling this for years.. going to and fro, to and fro.. until my body gave up on me..
And since 2pm,, I've been an inpatient at a residential facility.

Meal times are dreadful, and it's scaring me to think about the large amount of things I'm having to face to eat. All I can think of is how much of a failure I am for having to eat.. Not eating gave me a sense of pride that I could control something.. that I could control the numbers.. That I could control what I eat.. but now I can't anymore..

The doctors, and nurses are all so kind and so helpful. When they see you struggling to eat, they come beside you and tell you soothing words and try to be understanding as much as possible.. I haven't been able to finish one meal as yet, and although they were tough and pushing to keep going, they kept being helpful despite of everything.

The youngest patient here is 14 years old and oldest is 33. We're a group of 12 girls, all trying to get out of this. All trying to find ourselves... hopefully we'll manage...

Even the girls here are supportive. I made a friend, and she's in medical school. She is also battling this illness, and she has been here since Monday. She has been trying to help me keep on going no matter what.. but I can't stop these thoughts.

I know that anorexia is a very strong and debilitating and soul screeching thing.. but I feel safe in it.. I feel it a shield.. I feel it to be protecting and loving.. I ... am scared to let go...

My stay is indefinite, but for sure they want me here for months to come...

Maybe someday... it will get better...

I was wondering.. Has anyone ever been in recovery? and how was it for you in the first few days?

If you want to e-mail me to talk, or even just to ask certain questions, do not hesitate to doing so by e-mailing me on  - seramartina@hotmail.com

Love Sera xxxx