Giving up

Inpatient treatment isn't easy none what so ever. I'm hating it by the minute. I don't know how to even do this..
All the others girls are either allowed home for the weekend or allowed out for some hours. Currently I'm on hold here due to complications I may have - they said.

I want to sign myself out so bad... And yet I can't.. What's getting me out of here?

Meal times are dreadful for all of us... They expect us to eat these large amounts. I know I'm not handling it well.. There is no way how to handle it. Some did manage to cheat and hide food, but whilst some managed to get away with it, others were caught and were handed a warning or either just punished and not allowed out for the weekend - which doing that won't necessarily help my cause...

Exercising here is another limit. Only 3 bulimics are allowed to doing so. The rest of us aren't allowed.. And it bugs us all.. We're not allowed to see our diet meal plan. We do try to calculate the calories we're having. And it's bloody mind blowing... One of the girls here even cursed and scowled at the dietician for increasing her 10pm snack.. That's unheard of!! Just because she wasn't gaining weight, she had her meal plan increased.

I'm trying to give it more time... But it doesn't work. I'm trying to play safe.. Apparently from the way we talk they can still hold us here...

My second weekend here and I'm ready to flee..

Anyone who wants to talk or want to ask me questions about inpatient or anything, do so on seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time - Keep well

Sera xxx

1st week

First week at the residential inpatient treatment has passed, and it seems to be getting harder and harder. I can't do this. The dietician wants to increase my meal plan, my nutritionist told me that I'm in a risk of liver failure and my parents think I'm wasting my time here and that this week that passed will never be gained back as I'm wasting it in inpatient.

I've begged my doctor to sign me out. He doesn't want to allow me to do that. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't take it here...
I'm not ready for recovery just as yet. And I'm hating it here. It's not the day spent here.. It's mainly the meal times. If I just scratch the meal times off I'll be all fine.. Argh... I feel so out of control atm...it's too much.

I'm hating myself even more with every bite I'm taking. My family isn't happy at all with this and they're not really helping at times.. I'm hoping that I'll be discharged soon.

What thoughts do you have on inpatient, and recovery in general? What about your families? How were they during inpatient?

Please feel free to e-mail me on seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time - Keep well

Sera xxx

Wanting out of here

I don't know how this is supposed to be helping. Yes the nurses are nice, and the doctors and therapists are nice as well, however, meal times are still dreading. They expect us to eat 5 times daily with lunches and dinner consisting of a 3 course meal. That's bloody hell!! Who the hell eats that much??


I can't do it anymore here... It's been almost a week and I feel like I'm going crazy. I hate it here...


Tomorrow I will be asking my doctor again to maybe allow me to sign out. Hopefully he will. However I don't know. He seems persistent in this and he seems to want me to remain here, and I don't see how he can send me involuntarily when I'm mentally stable and capable of doing my decisions and am over 18.


How the hell do they expect us to do this!!! Some girls here have been also added a 10pm snack only because they're not gaining weight. I 100% won't do that.
Of course, here we don't have any control on what and how much we eat. We are kept at the table to eat every single thing.. And it's not fair... Now they've also established new rules - we can't go into our rooms unless it's after 5pm. Else they are closed from 8am till 5pm.


I'm trying to just get through this part... But tomorrow I'm asking him again for sure.


What about you? How did you feel in inpatients when coming to meal times and doctors orders?


If you'd like to e-mail me to talk, or to suggest any topic you'd like me to write about, please feel free to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com


Thank you to all those that e-mailed me, I will be replying very very soon.


Till next time - Keep well.
Sera xxx

Obstacles

I'm not updating that often as I feel so out of motivation. I cannot do it here. I'm sad, miserable and I don't know if I can do it.
We had blood tests done here and my first weigh in.
To my liking I managed to lose weight, and unfortunately the blood tests results came out negative. I have an almost non existent white blood cell count.
They're increasing my meal plan and they're not lenient none what so ever.

I hate it here.. I begged my doctor to sign out of here, but he won't allow me... Or to be exact, he told me that I can sign out but he has to get permission to put me in hospital involuntarily. He said that at the state I'm in, he cannot allow me out of here...
I don't think I am sick.. And I don't think I'll ever be ok with this. I know I lost weight and that does make me happy. What I'm terrified of is the weight gain I'll be having.
I cannot have that, and I'm so scared here :(.

Anyways..
All in all, I wanted to update you. Also, how are you guys? Hope you're all well.

Please e-mail me if you want to talk, I will definitely reply.
Thank you to all those that e-mailed me. I will very soon get back to replying.

Till next time - Keep well

Sera xxx

Struggling

It's my 3rd day here and I'm ready to flee.
I can't do this.. This is scaring me to death. Nurses told me that I have to increase my intake by much much much more, especially as I still haven't managed to finish meals - both due to pain and the countless thoughts I'm having.
After every meal, we're not allowed to go to bathrooms or anything for an hour, so the only way to purge the calories is to exercise.
Of course many of us do it in secretive even though we're not allowed to doing so. I'm not ready to be in recovery, and I don't think I will ever get rid of anorexia.
I feel safe in it.. and I'm scared of letting go.
I know that if I do go out of here, I wouldn't keep any meal plan, and I know that I would simply go back to what I was. Which I know I will. Especially when I'll get the passes..
I'm terrified..
My doctor doesn't want to discharge me and he's not doing that...
I thought on signing myself out...
The nurses talked to me about it and they told me that it won't work either, due to the state I'm in.

Today another girl and I broke down in tears. We both couldn't face our meals. She couldn't face lunch and I couldn't face the snack. We had our fear foods and we were mostly challenged and were kept there until we finished.
Dinner for me was another battle. The nurses give us a time limit to how much we can take long to finish the meals, however I didn't even manage to finish one. They kept pushing so that I'll have some protein, but I only stuck to carrots and cabbage..

Haven't had a bowel movement in almost a week... Fibre is supposedly to work.. and yet it's not..
Coffee is another thing. It has to be with full fat milk and we're not allowed anything that's diet. We can only have one cup of green tea at 10pm.
I also discovered that I'm not allowed to do any gym. Some of the other girls are allowed passes to the gym with an instructor.. but others (we're around 8-me included) aren't allowed.
We're not even allowed to take the stairs... which is even more tiring...

I'm hoping that maybe it will get better.. However I don't know if I'll be able to continue any progress outside here - not that I'm currently doing any progress...

If you want to talk or want me to write about a particular topic, feel free to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com


Till next time - keep well

Sera xxx

2nd Day

I woke up this morning feeling more terrified than ever. I thought that I could just eat as if nothing ever happened.
The reality is, that I can't...
I woke up this morning convinced that I have put 7kg on, since last night - which is impossible as I haven't even managed to finish one meal.
I'm constantly in a battle within myself - between the control and having to eat...
The nurses, staff and people here are all so helpful, and they are all so kind. They don't push us too much, but they do want us to keep going.
In my case, at certain points I have to stop half way or even sometimes less. The bad stomach pains and cramps that I do get are pretty unbearable to say the least.

We have assigned places at meal times, and also, depending on our state, we could leave the centre for the weekend. Currently another girl and I are here as all the other girls have gone away.
It's a little quiet for a Saturday night, but it's giving us a little time to relax and talk.

My parents have also visited, however not both are on board with me being here.
In reality, if it wasn't for my doctor and for his pushing, I wouldn't be here... It was him that talked to my parents and it was him that admitted me asap.

There are set meal times - Breakfast, lunch and dinner - with 2 snacks included in between.
There are three types of meal plans. The other girl and I are on the most basic due to having starved ourselves for so long.

Estimation, I think we're having around 700-850 cals. Which although it does set our mind at rest that we're still eating below a normal calorific intake, it still gives us anxiety on how much we're actually eating. Especially as we're both used to eating further less than that or nothing at all (at our worst)...

Not having finished one meal is playing against me. I know that when my doc is going to see me, he is going to want to find out the why and the yada yada yada...
Only I won't be able to give him a clear answer, as I don't even know why myself.

Exercising is another issue.
I want and need to exercise, but we're not allowed. Not even walks.. and that is frustrating... Some of us do secretively exercise which isn't necessarily helping our cause... but at times we can't help it.

The nurses come to check on us every 30 mins or so, and during meal times rooms and bathrooms are locked. Once meal time finishes, we are all to rest in the living room and aren't allowed in bathrooms or rooms till an hour later (as they would still be locked).

I've found it very strange to realise that many of us have the same thoughts and feelings - almost directly and clearly set by a machine... which does help us to relate to each other...

I was wondering, have you guys ever been in recovery? Do you have any idea what to expect more?
Also, how did you deal with meal times?

If you'd like to talk or want me to write about a particular topic, please don't hesitate to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time - keep well

Sera xxxx