It's been a while since I've blogged, however things have been going haywire. For starters, I managed to stabilize my weight a little over this summer, which although it was hard, I managed to obey the rules and managed to get myself out of inpatient.
At those times, I thought I could still do it outside of treatment - the reality is that my mind kept thinking that once I'm out of there, I would be able to lose all the weight back - and that is what happened in reality.
I am happy about all the lost weight, however, before I signed out, I promised that I would still attend some therapy sessions, weekly psychologist sessions and even be a day patient 2/3 times per week.
At first it was working, however, it didn't last long, because they caught up to me.
I had started to abuse ephedrine - which truly works, and all those old habits came back - skipping one snack, then one fruit, then one meal... till large food groups start to be omitted, whilst exercise routines increase.
I have started University and this doesn't come cheap - both financially, and emotionally... not to forget the physical exertion which also led to loads of sleepless nights.
Doctors and Mental Health Nurses from inpatient have been supportive throughout all this transition, along with the patients, however, now that things have been heading way too south, I've been threatened to being sectioned.
I don't know how I can do that.. but I'm terrified, and if it comes to that point, I know I would have lost more than I would have gained.
I'm still working on accepting that I do have an eating disorder - and even though I still don't admit it, and at times I literally feel that there is nothing wrong, deep down, I know that I'm miserable.
I don't know why.. but I'm really miserable and I know that if I keep going down, this will only lead me to where I've started this summer.
I'm trying to pick myself up and focus on school mainly - trying to keep myself motivated may actually help me in moving forward..
The reality is that I'm terrified of all of this.. I'm terrified of what's going to happen and I'm terrified of how this will turn out to be - so I'm choosing to let things as they are, forget a little, and keep
focusing on school till I am allowed in doing so.
It's also Christmas soon, so I'm allowing things to lay low.. either way, I want to be able to bring back memories in the comfortable place of home and family.
Has anyone had a constant relapse in anorexia?
Please tell me how you dealt with it?
And when was the moment you have managed to truly accept that there is a problem?
Till next time - take care:)
Love,
Sera. xx
