Isolation

Part of this...thing... that comes with it without even realising, is the isolation that comes with it. I constantly feel alone - and I constantly feel miserable. In reality, I think I'm depressed.. but I don't want to admit it. I don't want to end up on any medication - primarily because many of the psychiatric meds have weight gain as a side-effect and also the fact that I do not want to get hooked on, on them.

I broke down today - but in a desperate way. I don't know what to do... I'm tired of fighting and tired of all of this. I want to give it a rest and just let go and fall -- how far I fall is up to me I guess... but I'm tired of doing all this 'hanging in there' and 'fighting'.

I think I need to have a break from everything and really stop this for a while...

I'm tired...

Currently, the reality is that things are heading south and I'm too tired to help myself... but I'm trying to trust into the profs...

Please do you have any experience with giving up in this?

Sera xxx

Struggling

It's my 3rd day here and I'm ready to flee.
I can't do this.. This is scaring me to death. Nurses told me that I have to increase my intake by much much much more, especially as I still haven't managed to finish meals - both due to pain and the countless thoughts I'm having.
After every meal, we're not allowed to go to bathrooms or anything for an hour, so the only way to purge the calories is to exercise.
Of course many of us do it in secretive even though we're not allowed to doing so. I'm not ready to be in recovery, and I don't think I will ever get rid of anorexia.
I feel safe in it.. and I'm scared of letting go.
I know that if I do go out of here, I wouldn't keep any meal plan, and I know that I would simply go back to what I was. Which I know I will. Especially when I'll get the passes..
I'm terrified..
My doctor doesn't want to discharge me and he's not doing that...
I thought on signing myself out...
The nurses talked to me about it and they told me that it won't work either, due to the state I'm in.

Today another girl and I broke down in tears. We both couldn't face our meals. She couldn't face lunch and I couldn't face the snack. We had our fear foods and we were mostly challenged and were kept there until we finished.
Dinner for me was another battle. The nurses give us a time limit to how much we can take long to finish the meals, however I didn't even manage to finish one. They kept pushing so that I'll have some protein, but I only stuck to carrots and cabbage..

Haven't had a bowel movement in almost a week... Fibre is supposedly to work.. and yet it's not..
Coffee is another thing. It has to be with full fat milk and we're not allowed anything that's diet. We can only have one cup of green tea at 10pm.
I also discovered that I'm not allowed to do any gym. Some of the other girls are allowed passes to the gym with an instructor.. but others (we're around 8-me included) aren't allowed.
We're not even allowed to take the stairs... which is even more tiring...

I'm hoping that maybe it will get better.. However I don't know if I'll be able to continue any progress outside here - not that I'm currently doing any progress...

If you want to talk or want me to write about a particular topic, feel free to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com


Till next time - keep well

Sera xxx

2nd Day

I woke up this morning feeling more terrified than ever. I thought that I could just eat as if nothing ever happened.
The reality is, that I can't...
I woke up this morning convinced that I have put 7kg on, since last night - which is impossible as I haven't even managed to finish one meal.
I'm constantly in a battle within myself - between the control and having to eat...
The nurses, staff and people here are all so helpful, and they are all so kind. They don't push us too much, but they do want us to keep going.
In my case, at certain points I have to stop half way or even sometimes less. The bad stomach pains and cramps that I do get are pretty unbearable to say the least.

We have assigned places at meal times, and also, depending on our state, we could leave the centre for the weekend. Currently another girl and I are here as all the other girls have gone away.
It's a little quiet for a Saturday night, but it's giving us a little time to relax and talk.

My parents have also visited, however not both are on board with me being here.
In reality, if it wasn't for my doctor and for his pushing, I wouldn't be here... It was him that talked to my parents and it was him that admitted me asap.

There are set meal times - Breakfast, lunch and dinner - with 2 snacks included in between.
There are three types of meal plans. The other girl and I are on the most basic due to having starved ourselves for so long.

Estimation, I think we're having around 700-850 cals. Which although it does set our mind at rest that we're still eating below a normal calorific intake, it still gives us anxiety on how much we're actually eating. Especially as we're both used to eating further less than that or nothing at all (at our worst)...

Not having finished one meal is playing against me. I know that when my doc is going to see me, he is going to want to find out the why and the yada yada yada...
Only I won't be able to give him a clear answer, as I don't even know why myself.

Exercising is another issue.
I want and need to exercise, but we're not allowed. Not even walks.. and that is frustrating... Some of us do secretively exercise which isn't necessarily helping our cause... but at times we can't help it.

The nurses come to check on us every 30 mins or so, and during meal times rooms and bathrooms are locked. Once meal time finishes, we are all to rest in the living room and aren't allowed in bathrooms or rooms till an hour later (as they would still be locked).

I've found it very strange to realise that many of us have the same thoughts and feelings - almost directly and clearly set by a machine... which does help us to relate to each other...

I was wondering, have you guys ever been in recovery? Do you have any idea what to expect more?
Also, how did you deal with meal times?

If you'd like to talk or want me to write about a particular topic, please don't hesitate to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time - keep well

Sera xxxx

Laxative Abuse

It has been a shitty day, and I don't even know where my head is at the moment. All I know is that I couldn't do anything about it, and impulsively I took laxatives.

Obviously, the recommend dosage didn't seem like it was enough for the moment (sarcasm). So I decided to take 4 times the recommended dose. I know that tomorrow I'm going to be in so much pain, but that doesn't bother me. I think it even sets my mind at rest. I know that a bad day doesn’t justify a bad decision, but… I don’t know…

It's 22.51 right now, and yet I'm still here contemplating whether I should take more, or just leave it at that. Knowing that I'm going to feel pain tomorrow makes me feel better emotionally. I think that the cramps I'll be feeling, would be substituting any kind of self harm. In reality that is true. I've been self harming since the age of 9. When I was even younger, from the age of 3, I used to enjoy peeling my own skin and lips until they bleed. I don't know if that counts as self harm, but it always made me feel better, calmer, and a little happier. I guess it was my relief. Only it wasn't enough, because soon the cutting and burning started.

Today, self-harm has decreased to a very minimum, but I still need to feel that rush.

Wow, I think I'm rambling a little today.

It was just a shitty day. There are so many things that I can’t get my head around. There are so many things that I can’t keep hold of. And yet, I’m still here, trying to find a reason.

And I was wondering. Does anybody abuse laxatives occasionally? Or is it more of a frequent use? Do you binge purge? Or just restrict? Or is the restriction combined with laxative abuse and excessive exercise?

I’d love to hear from you.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

Please comment and e-mail me with your suggestions and anything that you would like to tell me or want me to write about on

seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time – Keep Well :)

Sera :)

Something I lost...

As a child, I was always so keen on keeping track of everything and anything I was doing. That meant that I even had to keep track of everything I did, experience or even owned, hence material things were always placed and easily found. It was one thing that my parents always loved about me. They used to come to me when they were to search their own things. I made it a must to have this perfectionistic way of living, but this still made me lose a very important thing.

Due to circumstances, I had to grow up fast and care for my younger sister from a very early age of 6. I always tried to be a grown up, and it worked. At that age, I wanted to be taken seriously, especially as I had to be the responsible one, but today, looking back, I realise that I did lose something very important. I lost my childhood. It slipped right through my fingers and I don't know where the time went.

My loss was to various other things besides having to take care of my younger sister. Primarily school. In my previous blog entry I wrote about how I always felt lonely and the only thing that helped were books. It is true, because that made me escape, and block many things, but today, I wish I had those moments where I could actually be a kid, where I could mess up a little and be okay with it.

When I was younger, I used to await my birthdays dearly, until I was around 11/12 years old. There is where I started dreading them. Although I was already responsible and able to take my own decisions, growing older made it seem more real. It made me feel that I had to always be more and more responsible in whatever I do, and the more birthdays that come, the more scared I get, because it means that I do have to settle someday. Career wise I've already set my mind to what I want to achieve, but in other aspects of my life, things seem to be very hazy.

I would like a break or a pause of this fast on going life. I would love to go back to that child like state, and stay there. I would love to go back to the time where family was more bonded together than today.

It's another thing that I hated when I grew up. My family grew further apart when 4 people of the family died. It took a toll on all of us, and I don't like it how things presently are, but I guess that's the flow of things.

My younger sister and I already made a pact to try our best in not growing apart. We're trying to prepare ourselves the best way we could in accepting that in reality we are growing up and we can do nothing to stop this process.

Kids today are living in a lifestyle that is constantly on going. In my country especially, due to the large competition in entering the only single university we own, kids are put under extreme pressure to get the highest marks. Since 3 years of age, we start kindergarten. In my time, we used to learn how to write, maths, sentence formation, ect... and had exams since that time.  Today things have changed a little and it's more of a playschool. But once kids reach grade 3, they have to undergo a large transition to adapt to the vast 6 syllabi of 6 different subjects in primary school whilst in secondary school we have to take 11/12 subjects in total.

Exams here are tougher due to this competition to divide students into those who are A from B or Pass from Fail. These labels are assigned with few mark differences, which is not fair, because it's making school tougher than it actually is and some kids are even giving up and putting themselves down before even getting to secondary school. Others on the other hand, just like me, may set up high standards for themselves, and won't get a minute rest unless they achieve their goals. Both approaches aren't the best, but the medial is even tougher to achieve.

Childhood is the best part of life that I would like to get back, but to my disappointment, I will never have it back.

In conclusion to this blog, what is the most precious and important thing that you have lost in your life? I would love to hear your views and thoughts about this topic.

Please comment and e-mail me with your suggestions and anything that you would like to tell me or want me to write about on

seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time – Keep Well :)

Sera :)