2nd Day

I woke up this morning feeling more terrified than ever. I thought that I could just eat as if nothing ever happened.
The reality is, that I can't...
I woke up this morning convinced that I have put 7kg on, since last night - which is impossible as I haven't even managed to finish one meal.
I'm constantly in a battle within myself - between the control and having to eat...
The nurses, staff and people here are all so helpful, and they are all so kind. They don't push us too much, but they do want us to keep going.
In my case, at certain points I have to stop half way or even sometimes less. The bad stomach pains and cramps that I do get are pretty unbearable to say the least.

We have assigned places at meal times, and also, depending on our state, we could leave the centre for the weekend. Currently another girl and I are here as all the other girls have gone away.
It's a little quiet for a Saturday night, but it's giving us a little time to relax and talk.

My parents have also visited, however not both are on board with me being here.
In reality, if it wasn't for my doctor and for his pushing, I wouldn't be here... It was him that talked to my parents and it was him that admitted me asap.

There are set meal times - Breakfast, lunch and dinner - with 2 snacks included in between.
There are three types of meal plans. The other girl and I are on the most basic due to having starved ourselves for so long.

Estimation, I think we're having around 700-850 cals. Which although it does set our mind at rest that we're still eating below a normal calorific intake, it still gives us anxiety on how much we're actually eating. Especially as we're both used to eating further less than that or nothing at all (at our worst)...

Not having finished one meal is playing against me. I know that when my doc is going to see me, he is going to want to find out the why and the yada yada yada...
Only I won't be able to give him a clear answer, as I don't even know why myself.

Exercising is another issue.
I want and need to exercise, but we're not allowed. Not even walks.. and that is frustrating... Some of us do secretively exercise which isn't necessarily helping our cause... but at times we can't help it.

The nurses come to check on us every 30 mins or so, and during meal times rooms and bathrooms are locked. Once meal time finishes, we are all to rest in the living room and aren't allowed in bathrooms or rooms till an hour later (as they would still be locked).

I've found it very strange to realise that many of us have the same thoughts and feelings - almost directly and clearly set by a machine... which does help us to relate to each other...

I was wondering, have you guys ever been in recovery? Do you have any idea what to expect more?
Also, how did you deal with meal times?

If you'd like to talk or want me to write about a particular topic, please don't hesitate to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time - keep well

Sera xxxx

A New Journey

I don't even know were to start.
These past few weeks, I had been deteriorating slowly. Although I still do not admit it to myself that I am sick, that I am anorexic,
My doctor wanted me inpatient ASAP, and here I am - trying to find every inch of courage to admit that I do have an illness, and most importantly trying to get out of this cage.

I've been battling this for years.. going to and fro, to and fro.. until my body gave up on me..
And since 2pm,, I've been an inpatient at a residential facility.

Meal times are dreadful, and it's scaring me to think about the large amount of things I'm having to face to eat. All I can think of is how much of a failure I am for having to eat.. Not eating gave me a sense of pride that I could control something.. that I could control the numbers.. That I could control what I eat.. but now I can't anymore..

The doctors, and nurses are all so kind and so helpful. When they see you struggling to eat, they come beside you and tell you soothing words and try to be understanding as much as possible.. I haven't been able to finish one meal as yet, and although they were tough and pushing to keep going, they kept being helpful despite of everything.

The youngest patient here is 14 years old and oldest is 33. We're a group of 12 girls, all trying to get out of this. All trying to find ourselves... hopefully we'll manage...

Even the girls here are supportive. I made a friend, and she's in medical school. She is also battling this illness, and she has been here since Monday. She has been trying to help me keep on going no matter what.. but I can't stop these thoughts.

I know that anorexia is a very strong and debilitating and soul screeching thing.. but I feel safe in it.. I feel it a shield.. I feel it to be protecting and loving.. I ... am scared to let go...

My stay is indefinite, but for sure they want me here for months to come...

Maybe someday... it will get better...

I was wondering.. Has anyone ever been in recovery? and how was it for you in the first few days?

If you want to e-mail me to talk, or even just to ask certain questions, do not hesitate to doing so by e-mailing me on  - seramartina@hotmail.com

Love Sera xxxx

My favourite Current Thing

Mugs, thermoses, travel mugs. Anything that allows me to carry liquids in fancy things make me feel happy.
My current gadget in these things is this new Animal Thermos that I managed to get from ebay. It's such a cute pinky thermos that allows it to be a little me. The first time I saw it, I had to get it. It reflected so many things in me that I was automatically attached to it from just a picture.

This morning, it came by post, and for the record, it came very early.

I started using it right away, and it solely purpose is well served :D .

Another addition to my collection :D.

What about you? Do you have any special collection or anything that you like?

I would like to hear from all of you :)

If you'd like me to write about a particular topic, or even just to talk, don't hesitate to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time - Keep well :)

Sera :) xx 

I'm sorry - Back to blogging

First and foremost I have to apologize for these last few days. As some of you may have noticed, and I guess it was a little obvious, I've been having some bad time these days, and unfortunately, I'm sick again. I'm so tired of being sick... and antibiotics aren't really helping. Not to mention the fact that I'm constantly tired.

Anyways, enough rambling from me. As promised, I would be doing the blogging challenge, however, it's going to take longer than expected, due to the time I would be taking in working on personal things, which I will be revealing very soon.

Now that I have settled University, and some concrete plans for the future, I can say that I finally I am a little compliant and ready to take things head on - hopefully these will manage.

All in all, I've wanted to apologize for going AWOL for these last few days.
Once I get fully better from the flu, I will be posting more frequently.

I was wondering, how are you guys? And do you want me to write about anything?
Also, if you want to e-mail me, or ask me anything, or even just to talk, please do so on -
seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time - Keep Well

Sera :) xx

What is this? - Need help

I cannot understand any of this. At one minute I'm laughing, and crying in the next. At one point I'm filled with motivation to move forward and terrified as hell in the next. I know it's still a fresh wound, and I'm trying to find my feet. But it's taking a lot. And it is taking long.

What if I still don't make it? What if this would be another year in vain? What would happen then?

These questions keep creeping up. I'm trying to figure out my future whilst making my own path, but.. I don't know. I really have no idea about anything these days.
I'm tired of crying. I just want to forget and start making progress. I want to be happy.. But apparently it's going to take longer.
Maybe this year would be the year.
I truly don't know what I would do if it doesn't happen this year. I've been working so hard for this and have been waiting since I was just a little kid.. I want to make my dream come true.. But I'm terrified that I won't make it again.

Fear is what gets in the way. In my case it's a mixture of fear, shame, hatred, guilt, anger, disappointment, distress... And so many more.. And what all those make is fear in general.

How do I even do this?
What's the next step forward?
I need a sign.. Something..

Humpf... I'll have to work harder..

Sera.

Another day-Feeling hopeless..

It's been 3 days, and yet I'm still trying to find myself. I don't know if I can do it, or if I can keep up the motivation or even some courage, but I'm trying to move forward. Right now I can barely look in the mirror. I hate myself completely. Maybe this is a test to see how further I can take it, or maybe.. I don't know.. I truly don't know..
I'm rambling over here. But I feel so alone right now. I am tired of trying and yet I want to try again, only at times I feel this surge of courage and at some point, like now, I feel hopeless to the point of wanting to disappear from the face of this earth.
Will this pain ever end? Will it ever get better? Should I keep hoping? Should I even try? .. I need a sign, something, somewhere.. I.. Just don't know.. And I'm tired.. I feel that I want to sleep and never wake up ever again..
Every time I close my eyes to sleep I do forget a little, but once I wake up, reality hits all over again. I hate this.. I hate me.. I just want the pain to end...

Anyways... For now I'll be leaving a little the 30 day challenge. If I do feel a little better I'll try to post something..

Sera

Update

This is not one of the challenge days I was thinking on doing. Honestly, I truly don't know where my mind is at the moment. I've lost a lot of things in these past two days and am trying to get back on my feet slowly.

One bad news can change everything. It did change everything. I lost a part of me, and I don't think I'll ever recover it back. Maybe I should just give up! Maybe I should just don't care anymore. I don't feel like picking myself up this time. I'm shattered and have no strength in getting back up.

Either way, in some way, form or another I have to try and get back up on my feet and fight this back. I have to try and find other ways... Maybe who knows.. I'll succeed this time...
I just don't know what to do...

Anyways.. That's all for today..

Till next time - Keep well

Sera xx