Isolation

Part of this...thing... that comes with it without even realising, is the isolation that comes with it. I constantly feel alone - and I constantly feel miserable. In reality, I think I'm depressed.. but I don't want to admit it. I don't want to end up on any medication - primarily because many of the psychiatric meds have weight gain as a side-effect and also the fact that I do not want to get hooked on, on them.

I broke down today - but in a desperate way. I don't know what to do... I'm tired of fighting and tired of all of this. I want to give it a rest and just let go and fall -- how far I fall is up to me I guess... but I'm tired of doing all this 'hanging in there' and 'fighting'.

I think I need to have a break from everything and really stop this for a while...

I'm tired...

Currently, the reality is that things are heading south and I'm too tired to help myself... but I'm trying to trust into the profs...

Please do you have any experience with giving up in this?

Sera xxx

Struggling

It's my 3rd day here and I'm ready to flee.
I can't do this.. This is scaring me to death. Nurses told me that I have to increase my intake by much much much more, especially as I still haven't managed to finish meals - both due to pain and the countless thoughts I'm having.
After every meal, we're not allowed to go to bathrooms or anything for an hour, so the only way to purge the calories is to exercise.
Of course many of us do it in secretive even though we're not allowed to doing so. I'm not ready to be in recovery, and I don't think I will ever get rid of anorexia.
I feel safe in it.. and I'm scared of letting go.
I know that if I do go out of here, I wouldn't keep any meal plan, and I know that I would simply go back to what I was. Which I know I will. Especially when I'll get the passes..
I'm terrified..
My doctor doesn't want to discharge me and he's not doing that...
I thought on signing myself out...
The nurses talked to me about it and they told me that it won't work either, due to the state I'm in.

Today another girl and I broke down in tears. We both couldn't face our meals. She couldn't face lunch and I couldn't face the snack. We had our fear foods and we were mostly challenged and were kept there until we finished.
Dinner for me was another battle. The nurses give us a time limit to how much we can take long to finish the meals, however I didn't even manage to finish one. They kept pushing so that I'll have some protein, but I only stuck to carrots and cabbage..

Haven't had a bowel movement in almost a week... Fibre is supposedly to work.. and yet it's not..
Coffee is another thing. It has to be with full fat milk and we're not allowed anything that's diet. We can only have one cup of green tea at 10pm.
I also discovered that I'm not allowed to do any gym. Some of the other girls are allowed passes to the gym with an instructor.. but others (we're around 8-me included) aren't allowed.
We're not even allowed to take the stairs... which is even more tiring...

I'm hoping that maybe it will get better.. However I don't know if I'll be able to continue any progress outside here - not that I'm currently doing any progress...

If you want to talk or want me to write about a particular topic, feel free to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com


Till next time - keep well

Sera xxx

2nd Day

I woke up this morning feeling more terrified than ever. I thought that I could just eat as if nothing ever happened.
The reality is, that I can't...
I woke up this morning convinced that I have put 7kg on, since last night - which is impossible as I haven't even managed to finish one meal.
I'm constantly in a battle within myself - between the control and having to eat...
The nurses, staff and people here are all so helpful, and they are all so kind. They don't push us too much, but they do want us to keep going.
In my case, at certain points I have to stop half way or even sometimes less. The bad stomach pains and cramps that I do get are pretty unbearable to say the least.

We have assigned places at meal times, and also, depending on our state, we could leave the centre for the weekend. Currently another girl and I are here as all the other girls have gone away.
It's a little quiet for a Saturday night, but it's giving us a little time to relax and talk.

My parents have also visited, however not both are on board with me being here.
In reality, if it wasn't for my doctor and for his pushing, I wouldn't be here... It was him that talked to my parents and it was him that admitted me asap.

There are set meal times - Breakfast, lunch and dinner - with 2 snacks included in between.
There are three types of meal plans. The other girl and I are on the most basic due to having starved ourselves for so long.

Estimation, I think we're having around 700-850 cals. Which although it does set our mind at rest that we're still eating below a normal calorific intake, it still gives us anxiety on how much we're actually eating. Especially as we're both used to eating further less than that or nothing at all (at our worst)...

Not having finished one meal is playing against me. I know that when my doc is going to see me, he is going to want to find out the why and the yada yada yada...
Only I won't be able to give him a clear answer, as I don't even know why myself.

Exercising is another issue.
I want and need to exercise, but we're not allowed. Not even walks.. and that is frustrating... Some of us do secretively exercise which isn't necessarily helping our cause... but at times we can't help it.

The nurses come to check on us every 30 mins or so, and during meal times rooms and bathrooms are locked. Once meal time finishes, we are all to rest in the living room and aren't allowed in bathrooms or rooms till an hour later (as they would still be locked).

I've found it very strange to realise that many of us have the same thoughts and feelings - almost directly and clearly set by a machine... which does help us to relate to each other...

I was wondering, have you guys ever been in recovery? Do you have any idea what to expect more?
Also, how did you deal with meal times?

If you'd like to talk or want me to write about a particular topic, please don't hesitate to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time - keep well

Sera xxxx

A New Journey

I don't even know were to start.
These past few weeks, I had been deteriorating slowly. Although I still do not admit it to myself that I am sick, that I am anorexic,
My doctor wanted me inpatient ASAP, and here I am - trying to find every inch of courage to admit that I do have an illness, and most importantly trying to get out of this cage.

I've been battling this for years.. going to and fro, to and fro.. until my body gave up on me..
And since 2pm,, I've been an inpatient at a residential facility.

Meal times are dreadful, and it's scaring me to think about the large amount of things I'm having to face to eat. All I can think of is how much of a failure I am for having to eat.. Not eating gave me a sense of pride that I could control something.. that I could control the numbers.. That I could control what I eat.. but now I can't anymore..

The doctors, and nurses are all so kind and so helpful. When they see you struggling to eat, they come beside you and tell you soothing words and try to be understanding as much as possible.. I haven't been able to finish one meal as yet, and although they were tough and pushing to keep going, they kept being helpful despite of everything.

The youngest patient here is 14 years old and oldest is 33. We're a group of 12 girls, all trying to get out of this. All trying to find ourselves... hopefully we'll manage...

Even the girls here are supportive. I made a friend, and she's in medical school. She is also battling this illness, and she has been here since Monday. She has been trying to help me keep on going no matter what.. but I can't stop these thoughts.

I know that anorexia is a very strong and debilitating and soul screeching thing.. but I feel safe in it.. I feel it a shield.. I feel it to be protecting and loving.. I ... am scared to let go...

My stay is indefinite, but for sure they want me here for months to come...

Maybe someday... it will get better...

I was wondering.. Has anyone ever been in recovery? and how was it for you in the first few days?

If you want to e-mail me to talk, or even just to ask certain questions, do not hesitate to doing so by e-mailing me on  - seramartina@hotmail.com

Love Sera xxxx