Isolation

Part of this...thing... that comes with it without even realising, is the isolation that comes with it. I constantly feel alone - and I constantly feel miserable. In reality, I think I'm depressed.. but I don't want to admit it. I don't want to end up on any medication - primarily because many of the psychiatric meds have weight gain as a side-effect and also the fact that I do not want to get hooked on, on them.

I broke down today - but in a desperate way. I don't know what to do... I'm tired of fighting and tired of all of this. I want to give it a rest and just let go and fall -- how far I fall is up to me I guess... but I'm tired of doing all this 'hanging in there' and 'fighting'.

I think I need to have a break from everything and really stop this for a while...

I'm tired...

Currently, the reality is that things are heading south and I'm too tired to help myself... but I'm trying to trust into the profs...

Please do you have any experience with giving up in this?

Sera xxx

2nd Day

I woke up this morning feeling more terrified than ever. I thought that I could just eat as if nothing ever happened.
The reality is, that I can't...
I woke up this morning convinced that I have put 7kg on, since last night - which is impossible as I haven't even managed to finish one meal.
I'm constantly in a battle within myself - between the control and having to eat...
The nurses, staff and people here are all so helpful, and they are all so kind. They don't push us too much, but they do want us to keep going.
In my case, at certain points I have to stop half way or even sometimes less. The bad stomach pains and cramps that I do get are pretty unbearable to say the least.

We have assigned places at meal times, and also, depending on our state, we could leave the centre for the weekend. Currently another girl and I are here as all the other girls have gone away.
It's a little quiet for a Saturday night, but it's giving us a little time to relax and talk.

My parents have also visited, however not both are on board with me being here.
In reality, if it wasn't for my doctor and for his pushing, I wouldn't be here... It was him that talked to my parents and it was him that admitted me asap.

There are set meal times - Breakfast, lunch and dinner - with 2 snacks included in between.
There are three types of meal plans. The other girl and I are on the most basic due to having starved ourselves for so long.

Estimation, I think we're having around 700-850 cals. Which although it does set our mind at rest that we're still eating below a normal calorific intake, it still gives us anxiety on how much we're actually eating. Especially as we're both used to eating further less than that or nothing at all (at our worst)...

Not having finished one meal is playing against me. I know that when my doc is going to see me, he is going to want to find out the why and the yada yada yada...
Only I won't be able to give him a clear answer, as I don't even know why myself.

Exercising is another issue.
I want and need to exercise, but we're not allowed. Not even walks.. and that is frustrating... Some of us do secretively exercise which isn't necessarily helping our cause... but at times we can't help it.

The nurses come to check on us every 30 mins or so, and during meal times rooms and bathrooms are locked. Once meal time finishes, we are all to rest in the living room and aren't allowed in bathrooms or rooms till an hour later (as they would still be locked).

I've found it very strange to realise that many of us have the same thoughts and feelings - almost directly and clearly set by a machine... which does help us to relate to each other...

I was wondering, have you guys ever been in recovery? Do you have any idea what to expect more?
Also, how did you deal with meal times?

If you'd like to talk or want me to write about a particular topic, please don't hesitate to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time - keep well

Sera xxxx

What holds me together – Faith

As a practicing Catholic since I was born, one thing that always held me together inside is my religion. God has been my rock in every moment of my life. There were times were I wanted to end it all, where I wanted to give up, but knowing that there is Someone Bigger and Stronger than me and that is Perfect, Omnipotent and ready to forgive me at any moment and be there for me in all difficult times, made me stay here. Believing in God and forming a real conversation with Him made me feel a little stronger and warm inside.

I know that many of you don’t believe in God, or aren’t Catholic, but having some kind of religion in general, that we believe in completely without needing any scientific evidence, does give us a sense of serenity in our hearts.

When I was 14 years old, I tried committing suicide. I was bullied a lot in school (apart from the other problems I was dealing with), to the point where I didn’t want to live anymore. But something held me here. Deep down in my heart, I knew that God had something for me. I knew that God was with me. But I felt alone. So I wanted to take out the plug, and I almost managed. Sometimes I regret that it didn’t happen. But then I remember again that in my heart God is there to help me through everything.

During those times, the only people that seemed to help were the teachers, doctors and nurses. My teachers have been very helpful and they made it possible for me to continue my lessons without any distractions. Doctors and nurses talked to me and tried to convince me that although the severe bullying was hard, someday it will end. They kept telling to hold on and never give up because that was temporary, and Death is… well… Permanent.

Coming from a science student where I need tangible proof to believe anything, by Laws, and mechanisms, sounds silly. But I believe in God, and I don’t think that I could have arrived to where I am here today. God has been and will always be everything to me.  I think having Faith in God despite no evidence except the Bible and what the church states, has given me another perspective in life. Of course, I’m still trying to find my place in this world, and trying to figure out myself, but I know that God will never leave me alone.

God is what keeps me together.

What about you? Do you believe in God? And what does keep you together? I would like to hear from you, so comment ahead. :)

Also, if you’d like to contact me, do so on my e-mail – seramartina@hotmail.com . Also, if you want me to write about a particular topic, just e-mail me, even if you want to talk or need a shoulder. :)

Sera  :)