Isolation

Part of this...thing... that comes with it without even realising, is the isolation that comes with it. I constantly feel alone - and I constantly feel miserable. In reality, I think I'm depressed.. but I don't want to admit it. I don't want to end up on any medication - primarily because many of the psychiatric meds have weight gain as a side-effect and also the fact that I do not want to get hooked on, on them.

I broke down today - but in a desperate way. I don't know what to do... I'm tired of fighting and tired of all of this. I want to give it a rest and just let go and fall -- how far I fall is up to me I guess... but I'm tired of doing all this 'hanging in there' and 'fighting'.

I think I need to have a break from everything and really stop this for a while...

I'm tired...

Currently, the reality is that things are heading south and I'm too tired to help myself... but I'm trying to trust into the profs...

Please do you have any experience with giving up in this?

Sera xxx

Honest Update

It's been a while since I've blogged, however things have been going haywire. For starters, I managed to stabilize my weight a little over this summer, which although it was hard, I managed to obey the rules and managed to get myself out of inpatient.
At those times, I thought I could still do it outside of treatment - the reality is that my mind kept thinking that once I'm out of there, I would be able to lose all the weight back - and that is what happened in reality.
I am happy about all the lost weight, however, before I signed out, I promised that I would still attend some therapy sessions, weekly psychologist sessions and even be a day patient 2/3 times per week.
At first it was working, however, it didn't last long, because they caught up to me.
I had started to abuse ephedrine - which truly works, and all those old habits came back - skipping one snack, then one fruit, then one meal... till large food groups start to be omitted, whilst exercise routines increase.

I have started University and this doesn't come cheap - both financially, and emotionally... not to forget the physical exertion which also led to loads of sleepless nights.

Doctors and Mental Health Nurses from inpatient have been supportive throughout all this transition, along with the patients, however, now that things have been heading way too south, I've been threatened to being sectioned.

I don't know how I can do that.. but I'm terrified, and if it comes to that point, I know I would have lost more than I would have gained.

I'm still working on accepting that I do have an eating disorder - and even though I still don't admit it, and at times I literally feel that there is nothing wrong, deep down, I know that I'm miserable.
I don't know why.. but I'm really miserable and I know that if I keep going down, this will only lead me to where I've started this summer.

I'm trying to pick myself up and focus on school mainly - trying to keep myself motivated may actually help me in moving forward..

The reality is that I'm terrified of all of this.. I'm terrified of what's going to happen and I'm terrified of how this will turn out to be - so I'm choosing to let things as they are, forget a little, and keep
focusing on school till I am allowed in doing so.

It's also Christmas soon, so I'm allowing things to lay low.. either way, I want to be able to bring back memories in the comfortable place of home and family.

Has anyone had a constant relapse in anorexia?
Please tell me how you dealt with it?
And when was the moment you have managed to truly accept that there is a problem?

Till next time - take care:)
Love,
Sera. xx

Struggling

It's my 3rd day here and I'm ready to flee.
I can't do this.. This is scaring me to death. Nurses told me that I have to increase my intake by much much much more, especially as I still haven't managed to finish meals - both due to pain and the countless thoughts I'm having.
After every meal, we're not allowed to go to bathrooms or anything for an hour, so the only way to purge the calories is to exercise.
Of course many of us do it in secretive even though we're not allowed to doing so. I'm not ready to be in recovery, and I don't think I will ever get rid of anorexia.
I feel safe in it.. and I'm scared of letting go.
I know that if I do go out of here, I wouldn't keep any meal plan, and I know that I would simply go back to what I was. Which I know I will. Especially when I'll get the passes..
I'm terrified..
My doctor doesn't want to discharge me and he's not doing that...
I thought on signing myself out...
The nurses talked to me about it and they told me that it won't work either, due to the state I'm in.

Today another girl and I broke down in tears. We both couldn't face our meals. She couldn't face lunch and I couldn't face the snack. We had our fear foods and we were mostly challenged and were kept there until we finished.
Dinner for me was another battle. The nurses give us a time limit to how much we can take long to finish the meals, however I didn't even manage to finish one. They kept pushing so that I'll have some protein, but I only stuck to carrots and cabbage..

Haven't had a bowel movement in almost a week... Fibre is supposedly to work.. and yet it's not..
Coffee is another thing. It has to be with full fat milk and we're not allowed anything that's diet. We can only have one cup of green tea at 10pm.
I also discovered that I'm not allowed to do any gym. Some of the other girls are allowed passes to the gym with an instructor.. but others (we're around 8-me included) aren't allowed.
We're not even allowed to take the stairs... which is even more tiring...

I'm hoping that maybe it will get better.. However I don't know if I'll be able to continue any progress outside here - not that I'm currently doing any progress...

If you want to talk or want me to write about a particular topic, feel free to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com


Till next time - keep well

Sera xxx

2nd Day

I woke up this morning feeling more terrified than ever. I thought that I could just eat as if nothing ever happened.
The reality is, that I can't...
I woke up this morning convinced that I have put 7kg on, since last night - which is impossible as I haven't even managed to finish one meal.
I'm constantly in a battle within myself - between the control and having to eat...
The nurses, staff and people here are all so helpful, and they are all so kind. They don't push us too much, but they do want us to keep going.
In my case, at certain points I have to stop half way or even sometimes less. The bad stomach pains and cramps that I do get are pretty unbearable to say the least.

We have assigned places at meal times, and also, depending on our state, we could leave the centre for the weekend. Currently another girl and I are here as all the other girls have gone away.
It's a little quiet for a Saturday night, but it's giving us a little time to relax and talk.

My parents have also visited, however not both are on board with me being here.
In reality, if it wasn't for my doctor and for his pushing, I wouldn't be here... It was him that talked to my parents and it was him that admitted me asap.

There are set meal times - Breakfast, lunch and dinner - with 2 snacks included in between.
There are three types of meal plans. The other girl and I are on the most basic due to having starved ourselves for so long.

Estimation, I think we're having around 700-850 cals. Which although it does set our mind at rest that we're still eating below a normal calorific intake, it still gives us anxiety on how much we're actually eating. Especially as we're both used to eating further less than that or nothing at all (at our worst)...

Not having finished one meal is playing against me. I know that when my doc is going to see me, he is going to want to find out the why and the yada yada yada...
Only I won't be able to give him a clear answer, as I don't even know why myself.

Exercising is another issue.
I want and need to exercise, but we're not allowed. Not even walks.. and that is frustrating... Some of us do secretively exercise which isn't necessarily helping our cause... but at times we can't help it.

The nurses come to check on us every 30 mins or so, and during meal times rooms and bathrooms are locked. Once meal time finishes, we are all to rest in the living room and aren't allowed in bathrooms or rooms till an hour later (as they would still be locked).

I've found it very strange to realise that many of us have the same thoughts and feelings - almost directly and clearly set by a machine... which does help us to relate to each other...

I was wondering, have you guys ever been in recovery? Do you have any idea what to expect more?
Also, how did you deal with meal times?

If you'd like to talk or want me to write about a particular topic, please don't hesitate to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time - keep well

Sera xxxx

Day 1 - My Blog's Name

To say the truth, my blog came to be out of me being sick and stuck at home. I love writing, and I’ve always wanted to start one but never had the guts in doing so. Hence being sick was the kick-start to my blog.

I named my blog ‘The thunder is here’. Those who already read some of my previous posts know that I love winter. Thunder and Lightning are my favourite part of winter, especially during the night as I can curl up on the couch with 3 quilts on top of me and a cup of tea or coffee and either just study or ready a book, until of course it gets too scary and I decided to hit the sack.

Thunder makes me feel comfortable in even realising my true emotions, and I wanted this blog to be as true as possible, hence thunder = truth, as all I’m writing over here is coming from the heart.

Also, I didn’t only want to write on a particular topic, and I guess naming my blog like that, managed to give that brief impression.

Else, I do not think that there is any more significance of my blog’s name; apart from the fact that I love wintery aspects.

What about you?

Do you have blog? If so, leave me a link of your blog in the comments section and I will check them all out. :)

Also, why did you name your blog that way?

If you’d like me to write on a particular topic or just want to talk to me, e-mail me on –

seramartina@hotmail.com

I will reply to all of you. :)

Till next post – Keep well :)

Sera :)