Isolation

Part of this...thing... that comes with it without even realising, is the isolation that comes with it. I constantly feel alone - and I constantly feel miserable. In reality, I think I'm depressed.. but I don't want to admit it. I don't want to end up on any medication - primarily because many of the psychiatric meds have weight gain as a side-effect and also the fact that I do not want to get hooked on, on them.

I broke down today - but in a desperate way. I don't know what to do... I'm tired of fighting and tired of all of this. I want to give it a rest and just let go and fall -- how far I fall is up to me I guess... but I'm tired of doing all this 'hanging in there' and 'fighting'.

I think I need to have a break from everything and really stop this for a while...

I'm tired...

Currently, the reality is that things are heading south and I'm too tired to help myself... but I'm trying to trust into the profs...

Please do you have any experience with giving up in this?

Sera xxx

Struggling

It's my 3rd day here and I'm ready to flee.
I can't do this.. This is scaring me to death. Nurses told me that I have to increase my intake by much much much more, especially as I still haven't managed to finish meals - both due to pain and the countless thoughts I'm having.
After every meal, we're not allowed to go to bathrooms or anything for an hour, so the only way to purge the calories is to exercise.
Of course many of us do it in secretive even though we're not allowed to doing so. I'm not ready to be in recovery, and I don't think I will ever get rid of anorexia.
I feel safe in it.. and I'm scared of letting go.
I know that if I do go out of here, I wouldn't keep any meal plan, and I know that I would simply go back to what I was. Which I know I will. Especially when I'll get the passes..
I'm terrified..
My doctor doesn't want to discharge me and he's not doing that...
I thought on signing myself out...
The nurses talked to me about it and they told me that it won't work either, due to the state I'm in.

Today another girl and I broke down in tears. We both couldn't face our meals. She couldn't face lunch and I couldn't face the snack. We had our fear foods and we were mostly challenged and were kept there until we finished.
Dinner for me was another battle. The nurses give us a time limit to how much we can take long to finish the meals, however I didn't even manage to finish one. They kept pushing so that I'll have some protein, but I only stuck to carrots and cabbage..

Haven't had a bowel movement in almost a week... Fibre is supposedly to work.. and yet it's not..
Coffee is another thing. It has to be with full fat milk and we're not allowed anything that's diet. We can only have one cup of green tea at 10pm.
I also discovered that I'm not allowed to do any gym. Some of the other girls are allowed passes to the gym with an instructor.. but others (we're around 8-me included) aren't allowed.
We're not even allowed to take the stairs... which is even more tiring...

I'm hoping that maybe it will get better.. However I don't know if I'll be able to continue any progress outside here - not that I'm currently doing any progress...

If you want to talk or want me to write about a particular topic, feel free to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com


Till next time - keep well

Sera xxx

What holds me together – Faith

As a practicing Catholic since I was born, one thing that always held me together inside is my religion. God has been my rock in every moment of my life. There were times were I wanted to end it all, where I wanted to give up, but knowing that there is Someone Bigger and Stronger than me and that is Perfect, Omnipotent and ready to forgive me at any moment and be there for me in all difficult times, made me stay here. Believing in God and forming a real conversation with Him made me feel a little stronger and warm inside.

I know that many of you don’t believe in God, or aren’t Catholic, but having some kind of religion in general, that we believe in completely without needing any scientific evidence, does give us a sense of serenity in our hearts.

When I was 14 years old, I tried committing suicide. I was bullied a lot in school (apart from the other problems I was dealing with), to the point where I didn’t want to live anymore. But something held me here. Deep down in my heart, I knew that God had something for me. I knew that God was with me. But I felt alone. So I wanted to take out the plug, and I almost managed. Sometimes I regret that it didn’t happen. But then I remember again that in my heart God is there to help me through everything.

During those times, the only people that seemed to help were the teachers, doctors and nurses. My teachers have been very helpful and they made it possible for me to continue my lessons without any distractions. Doctors and nurses talked to me and tried to convince me that although the severe bullying was hard, someday it will end. They kept telling to hold on and never give up because that was temporary, and Death is… well… Permanent.

Coming from a science student where I need tangible proof to believe anything, by Laws, and mechanisms, sounds silly. But I believe in God, and I don’t think that I could have arrived to where I am here today. God has been and will always be everything to me.  I think having Faith in God despite no evidence except the Bible and what the church states, has given me another perspective in life. Of course, I’m still trying to find my place in this world, and trying to figure out myself, but I know that God will never leave me alone.

God is what keeps me together.

What about you? Do you believe in God? And what does keep you together? I would like to hear from you, so comment ahead. :)

Also, if you’d like to contact me, do so on my e-mail – seramartina@hotmail.com . Also, if you want me to write about a particular topic, just e-mail me, even if you want to talk or need a shoulder. :)

Sera  :)