Isolation

Part of this...thing... that comes with it without even realising, is the isolation that comes with it. I constantly feel alone - and I constantly feel miserable. In reality, I think I'm depressed.. but I don't want to admit it. I don't want to end up on any medication - primarily because many of the psychiatric meds have weight gain as a side-effect and also the fact that I do not want to get hooked on, on them.

I broke down today - but in a desperate way. I don't know what to do... I'm tired of fighting and tired of all of this. I want to give it a rest and just let go and fall -- how far I fall is up to me I guess... but I'm tired of doing all this 'hanging in there' and 'fighting'.

I think I need to have a break from everything and really stop this for a while...

I'm tired...

Currently, the reality is that things are heading south and I'm too tired to help myself... but I'm trying to trust into the profs...

Please do you have any experience with giving up in this?

Sera xxx

Honest Update

It's been a while since I've blogged, however things have been going haywire. For starters, I managed to stabilize my weight a little over this summer, which although it was hard, I managed to obey the rules and managed to get myself out of inpatient.
At those times, I thought I could still do it outside of treatment - the reality is that my mind kept thinking that once I'm out of there, I would be able to lose all the weight back - and that is what happened in reality.
I am happy about all the lost weight, however, before I signed out, I promised that I would still attend some therapy sessions, weekly psychologist sessions and even be a day patient 2/3 times per week.
At first it was working, however, it didn't last long, because they caught up to me.
I had started to abuse ephedrine - which truly works, and all those old habits came back - skipping one snack, then one fruit, then one meal... till large food groups start to be omitted, whilst exercise routines increase.

I have started University and this doesn't come cheap - both financially, and emotionally... not to forget the physical exertion which also led to loads of sleepless nights.

Doctors and Mental Health Nurses from inpatient have been supportive throughout all this transition, along with the patients, however, now that things have been heading way too south, I've been threatened to being sectioned.

I don't know how I can do that.. but I'm terrified, and if it comes to that point, I know I would have lost more than I would have gained.

I'm still working on accepting that I do have an eating disorder - and even though I still don't admit it, and at times I literally feel that there is nothing wrong, deep down, I know that I'm miserable.
I don't know why.. but I'm really miserable and I know that if I keep going down, this will only lead me to where I've started this summer.

I'm trying to pick myself up and focus on school mainly - trying to keep myself motivated may actually help me in moving forward..

The reality is that I'm terrified of all of this.. I'm terrified of what's going to happen and I'm terrified of how this will turn out to be - so I'm choosing to let things as they are, forget a little, and keep
focusing on school till I am allowed in doing so.

It's also Christmas soon, so I'm allowing things to lay low.. either way, I want to be able to bring back memories in the comfortable place of home and family.

Has anyone had a constant relapse in anorexia?
Please tell me how you dealt with it?
And when was the moment you have managed to truly accept that there is a problem?

Till next time - take care:)
Love,
Sera. xx

Giving up

Inpatient treatment isn't easy none what so ever. I'm hating it by the minute. I don't know how to even do this..
All the others girls are either allowed home for the weekend or allowed out for some hours. Currently I'm on hold here due to complications I may have - they said.

I want to sign myself out so bad... And yet I can't.. What's getting me out of here?

Meal times are dreadful for all of us... They expect us to eat these large amounts. I know I'm not handling it well.. There is no way how to handle it. Some did manage to cheat and hide food, but whilst some managed to get away with it, others were caught and were handed a warning or either just punished and not allowed out for the weekend - which doing that won't necessarily help my cause...

Exercising here is another limit. Only 3 bulimics are allowed to doing so. The rest of us aren't allowed.. And it bugs us all.. We're not allowed to see our diet meal plan. We do try to calculate the calories we're having. And it's bloody mind blowing... One of the girls here even cursed and scowled at the dietician for increasing her 10pm snack.. That's unheard of!! Just because she wasn't gaining weight, she had her meal plan increased.

I'm trying to give it more time... But it doesn't work. I'm trying to play safe.. Apparently from the way we talk they can still hold us here...

My second weekend here and I'm ready to flee..

Anyone who wants to talk or want to ask me questions about inpatient or anything, do so on seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time - Keep well

Sera xxx

1st week

First week at the residential inpatient treatment has passed, and it seems to be getting harder and harder. I can't do this. The dietician wants to increase my meal plan, my nutritionist told me that I'm in a risk of liver failure and my parents think I'm wasting my time here and that this week that passed will never be gained back as I'm wasting it in inpatient.

I've begged my doctor to sign me out. He doesn't want to allow me to do that. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't take it here...
I'm not ready for recovery just as yet. And I'm hating it here. It's not the day spent here.. It's mainly the meal times. If I just scratch the meal times off I'll be all fine.. Argh... I feel so out of control atm...it's too much.

I'm hating myself even more with every bite I'm taking. My family isn't happy at all with this and they're not really helping at times.. I'm hoping that I'll be discharged soon.

What thoughts do you have on inpatient, and recovery in general? What about your families? How were they during inpatient?

Please feel free to e-mail me on seramartina@hotmail.com

Till next time - Keep well

Sera xxx

Wanting out of here

I don't know how this is supposed to be helping. Yes the nurses are nice, and the doctors and therapists are nice as well, however, meal times are still dreading. They expect us to eat 5 times daily with lunches and dinner consisting of a 3 course meal. That's bloody hell!! Who the hell eats that much??


I can't do it anymore here... It's been almost a week and I feel like I'm going crazy. I hate it here...


Tomorrow I will be asking my doctor again to maybe allow me to sign out. Hopefully he will. However I don't know. He seems persistent in this and he seems to want me to remain here, and I don't see how he can send me involuntarily when I'm mentally stable and capable of doing my decisions and am over 18.


How the hell do they expect us to do this!!! Some girls here have been also added a 10pm snack only because they're not gaining weight. I 100% won't do that.
Of course, here we don't have any control on what and how much we eat. We are kept at the table to eat every single thing.. And it's not fair... Now they've also established new rules - we can't go into our rooms unless it's after 5pm. Else they are closed from 8am till 5pm.


I'm trying to just get through this part... But tomorrow I'm asking him again for sure.


What about you? How did you feel in inpatients when coming to meal times and doctors orders?


If you'd like to e-mail me to talk, or to suggest any topic you'd like me to write about, please feel free to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com


Thank you to all those that e-mailed me, I will be replying very very soon.


Till next time - Keep well.
Sera xxx

Obstacles

I'm not updating that often as I feel so out of motivation. I cannot do it here. I'm sad, miserable and I don't know if I can do it.
We had blood tests done here and my first weigh in.
To my liking I managed to lose weight, and unfortunately the blood tests results came out negative. I have an almost non existent white blood cell count.
They're increasing my meal plan and they're not lenient none what so ever.

I hate it here.. I begged my doctor to sign out of here, but he won't allow me... Or to be exact, he told me that I can sign out but he has to get permission to put me in hospital involuntarily. He said that at the state I'm in, he cannot allow me out of here...
I don't think I am sick.. And I don't think I'll ever be ok with this. I know I lost weight and that does make me happy. What I'm terrified of is the weight gain I'll be having.
I cannot have that, and I'm so scared here :(.

Anyways..
All in all, I wanted to update you. Also, how are you guys? Hope you're all well.

Please e-mail me if you want to talk, I will definitely reply.
Thank you to all those that e-mailed me. I will very soon get back to replying.

Till next time - Keep well

Sera xxx

Struggling

It's my 3rd day here and I'm ready to flee.
I can't do this.. This is scaring me to death. Nurses told me that I have to increase my intake by much much much more, especially as I still haven't managed to finish meals - both due to pain and the countless thoughts I'm having.
After every meal, we're not allowed to go to bathrooms or anything for an hour, so the only way to purge the calories is to exercise.
Of course many of us do it in secretive even though we're not allowed to doing so. I'm not ready to be in recovery, and I don't think I will ever get rid of anorexia.
I feel safe in it.. and I'm scared of letting go.
I know that if I do go out of here, I wouldn't keep any meal plan, and I know that I would simply go back to what I was. Which I know I will. Especially when I'll get the passes..
I'm terrified..
My doctor doesn't want to discharge me and he's not doing that...
I thought on signing myself out...
The nurses talked to me about it and they told me that it won't work either, due to the state I'm in.

Today another girl and I broke down in tears. We both couldn't face our meals. She couldn't face lunch and I couldn't face the snack. We had our fear foods and we were mostly challenged and were kept there until we finished.
Dinner for me was another battle. The nurses give us a time limit to how much we can take long to finish the meals, however I didn't even manage to finish one. They kept pushing so that I'll have some protein, but I only stuck to carrots and cabbage..

Haven't had a bowel movement in almost a week... Fibre is supposedly to work.. and yet it's not..
Coffee is another thing. It has to be with full fat milk and we're not allowed anything that's diet. We can only have one cup of green tea at 10pm.
I also discovered that I'm not allowed to do any gym. Some of the other girls are allowed passes to the gym with an instructor.. but others (we're around 8-me included) aren't allowed.
We're not even allowed to take the stairs... which is even more tiring...

I'm hoping that maybe it will get better.. However I don't know if I'll be able to continue any progress outside here - not that I'm currently doing any progress...

If you want to talk or want me to write about a particular topic, feel free to e-mail me on - seramartina@hotmail.com


Till next time - keep well

Sera xxx